I spoke to a friend last week about how Aru wouldn’t go to sleep (at 2am) and I’d been trying for a while. Then a dark thought came. I felt like hitting him.
Thankfully, V came and said, “Do you need any help?” and I said, “Yes, I do. I just had a dark thought.”
Safe to say, we all know not to hit.
It’s every where. Media. Ads. Maternal health care. It’s everywhere.
The thing is.
We don’t know what to do when we feel like it.
When the thought comes.
I think that is the moment.
The point between before and after.
The point when you’re either about to cross the line or you don’t.
We all know, you don’t want to. If you weren’t tired, angry, hurt, frustrated, on the edge. All those thing. If you weren’t you wouldn’t.
But what do you do when you are all those things?
You accept you are at that point.
The moment the thought arises you think, “Fuck this I need help”.
Which is the mistake I made. You see, I thought I didn’t need help.
I thought I could keep pushing on.
I thought V had a big day at work tomorrow.
I thought I couldn’t call up my sister and say, “Guide me through this moment please, my brain is fried.”
I thought I couldn’t switch on the lights and take him for a car ride.
I thought I couldn’t take him into the kitchen and feast on milk and cookies.
It’s a bit like the safe sex word. Why I keep thinking of cauliflower, I don’t know!
But have a thing you allow yourself to do.
Be it outrageous and inconvenient to others. Allow yourself to wake up your loved one, wake up your friend in another country, go out and get a latte or stand by the sea.
In that moment, allow yourself.
Because that saves you from something you know you don’t want to do.
It’s not in you. It’s just a moment passing by.
From someone who’s been in that headspace.