womanhood

a work in progress

Category: How To Be Mindful (Page 1 of 10)

In the Living

Living the same way

I guess the question is.

Do you want to go on.

Living the same way.

Today I got home around 6pm.

Vivek had gotten Aru from daycare.

Which is pretty standard.

Had prepped dinner.

I felt like I still had a million things to do.

I live a life feeling like that.

I never feel like it’s all quite done.

Because there is so much more I could be doing.

It is constant overwhelm.

And it festers.

I’ve been feeling like I really want to figure out how to figure it out.

It’s not a question of putting on more staff, we simply can’t.

It’s not a questions of outsourcing, even that we do enough of.

And I started talk to V.

He said, “Tomorrow, when you have 10 more staff, you’ll probably feel the same way, because you’ll have more expenses you need to cover”.

He was right.

We started to talk about the long term plan, the strategies behind them. The intuition vs. the intellectual. We fleshed it all out.

//

And something, somehow dawned on me.

Since I was a child, I had heard phrases like, “there is always enough time, you just need to work hard enough,” or “you can achieve anything, you just need to keep trying, or try hard enough”. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Childhood is littered with this sort of content.

The reality is.

What is the cost?

For me.

It’s the cost of not being with my son.

It’s the cost of not doing yoga.

It’s the cost of a never ending to-do list I make for myself because #overachieverfail

It’s the costliest cost.

So what if I accept.

That I have 5 hours today.

And in those hours, I can realistically achieve 5 things (or tops 10).

And therefore, I must chose which things will have the best outcome for what I want.

And be okay, to let go of the rest.

Because.

In the end.

If it is to be.

It will be.

And finally.

I think.

I can do a little less.

And sleep a lot better.

X

K

 

(May, 2018)

Try.

I’m feeling better.

Steadier.

Rested.

Calmer.

Trying eagerly, to seperate my thoughts from my existence.

To know that they’re thoughts.

Moving around.

Doing their thing.

Letting them move on.

Not attaching to them.

It’s not easy.

It’s baffling.

And tough to be aware.

To be present.

And watch where my mind takes me.

But I try.

Hanging in there.

Charmer

There is a Kings of Leon song somewhere in history.

About a charmer.

And I think I became one very early on.

I used to be feisty.

I used to be radical and outspoken.

I never got voted for prefect in primary school.

I think the teachers decided I should be one anyways,

Because you know. Surnames.

Safe to say, I never won the popular vote.

Then.

I had this fight at high school, where I was arguing with a girl.

And she ripped it into me.

For always being “right”.

And no one had really fought me back till her.

No one had tried to put me in my so called place.

I was stunned.

I didn’t really know how to process or cope.

For some reason, I doubled down and thought she was right and I was wrong.

Who I was being was hurting people.

And so I learnt to win love.

To win votes.

To win affection.

Because I wanted to be the frickin belle of the ball.

And so I layered up.

Made up.

And I trained to win.

I’m so good at it now.

I can’t tell you who I really am.

Because it’s somewhere there.

Under all the layers.

Of the pleasing.

X

K

Power

Yesterday you spoke.

And spoke. 

And spoke. 

I wanted you to get it all out. 

Out of your system. 

The words, the pain, the hurt. 

Everything. 

Out. 

So that your insides were anew. 

But I couldn’t help but notice. 

Those strings of words. 

All too familiar. 

Because there was a time. 

When they came from my lips. 

He said I shouldn’t. 

They thought it was best I don’t. 

It’s not in my control. 

He bought the tickets so I had to go. 

I told him we shouldn’t, but he said we should. 

All those words. 

Tell me. 

You gave your power to him. 

Nestled it in his lap. 

And then asked me. 

What can I do? 

 

X

K

Manic

Why are we living in the manic?
Why so busy?
Why so committed?
Why so overloaded?

Why no time to breathe.
No time to walk.
No time to laugh.

Where are we running to?

You know it’s pointless right?

Because you might show up.
But energy doesn’t lie.

So let go of the angst.
And pace it.

We’ve got a long way to go.

X
K

Intent

The intentions.
What we started with.
Flow through.

And when we stop being true to who we are, what we really wanted, how we wanted things to go down, it shows.

In the work.
In the gravity of what we do.
In the lives we live.

It shows.

Show up.
For yourself.

Because the outcome,
Will always be better than all the bullshit compromise, the comparing, the adjusting, the navigating, all the crap, you’ve bowed down to.

Show me.
You.

Keys Out

Somedays.
I wish.
The thoughts in my head.
Would just hit a dead end.
Switch into park.
And stop.

Engines off.

X
K

Highlights All Day

Are we expecting everything to be an instagram moment?

No seriously, because for like a year in my life – I was.
And I couldn’t figure out why none of the boxes I’d ticked were making me.

Happy enough.

X

K

How To Unravel

If you’re ever lost in the windmills of your mind.
It may serve, to take a lonely drive.
Away from home.
Away from the kids.
Away from the people.

And put your phone to the side.
Close the ipad.

Order a takeaway from your favourite Thai place.
Then sit in the car.

And eat it.
With complete network silence.

You’d be surprise how you begin to unravel with every bite of tofu.

X
K

It just is.

You can never tick all the boxes.

Page 1 of 10

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