womanhood

a work in progress

Category: Kholo (Page 1 of 5)

In the Living

Living the same way

I guess the question is.

Do you want to go on.

Living the same way.

Today I got home around 6pm.

Vivek had gotten Aru from daycare.

Which is pretty standard.

Had prepped dinner.

I felt like I still had a million things to do.

I live a life feeling like that.

I never feel like it’s all quite done.

Because there is so much more I could be doing.

It is constant overwhelm.

And it festers.

I’ve been feeling like I really want to figure out how to figure it out.

It’s not a question of putting on more staff, we simply can’t.

It’s not a questions of outsourcing, even that we do enough of.

And I started talk to V.

He said, “Tomorrow, when you have 10 more staff, you’ll probably feel the same way, because you’ll have more expenses you need to cover”.

He was right.

We started to talk about the long term plan, the strategies behind them. The intuition vs. the intellectual. We fleshed it all out.

//

And something, somehow dawned on me.

Since I was a child, I had heard phrases like, “there is always enough time, you just need to work hard enough,” or “you can achieve anything, you just need to keep trying, or try hard enough”. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Childhood is littered with this sort of content.

The reality is.

What is the cost?

For me.

It’s the cost of not being with my son.

It’s the cost of not doing yoga.

It’s the cost of a never ending to-do list I make for myself because #overachieverfail

It’s the costliest cost.

So what if I accept.

That I have 5 hours today.

And in those hours, I can realistically achieve 5 things (or tops 10).

And therefore, I must chose which things will have the best outcome for what I want.

And be okay, to let go of the rest.

Because.

In the end.

If it is to be.

It will be.

And finally.

I think.

I can do a little less.

And sleep a lot better.

X

K

 

(May, 2018)

The Large Picture

I’m learning now.

In business.

It’s so essential to see the “end goal”.

Not necessarily the end per say.

But the “how is life going to be when you make it”.

I think I didn’t have that before.

The clarity.

And therefore, I didn’t have the pathway.

Shit is getting clearer now.

And it’s mighty fine.

Feels good.

After a long, long time.

X

K

 

 

Dear Aru (April end, 2018),

It’s dawning on me.

That I made your life work around mine.

I wanted you to come along.

To be adulting.

To meet pattern makers.

Sit patiently in the office.

Play on your own, with whatever was around.

I made your life work around mine.

And that is a GOOD thing.

(Don’t you go trying to guilt trip me on this one).

But.

I also think.

It’s important for you to do things you want.

And for me to work around your life (a little).

A cricket class here.

A lego session there.

Reading an extra book.

Or just cuddling for a little longer.

That is so hard for me sweetheart.

So so so hard.

Especially when I could be ironing, tidying, cooking, emailing, photoshopping, insta-posting etc. You get the gist.

I have always, actually, not always, but often chosen productivity over you.

Productivity and Netflix.

So I’m going to try and be better.

Try and get it together.

And be a little less having it all together.

For you.

For me.

For us.

X

Sinking in Doubt

I’m sinking.
Deeper and deeper.
And I’m trying to stop myself.
Everyday.

With 5 deep breaths.
With a little tidy here and there.
With spinach as a side.

Holding myself up.
Just a little.

It’s a wave you’ve gotta ride through babe.
You know you’re gonna more than make it at the other end.
So why you stressing?

I know Kholo is going to leap, sing and dance.
Not just float.

So why do I seem to obsess.
Worry.
Anxiet myself.

Let. It. Go.
Surrender.

Xx
K

Running

I’ve been observing myself over the last year.
Trying to find a balance of self care and work.

When I ran a design agency, I never really cared enough about my health.
I was trying, but perhaps, also running.
Running to keep it going.
To get somewhere.

And I realise now.
I’ve done the same thing since having launched Kholo.

Running.
From the fear of not succeeding.

And now, I’m on an island.
Taking a break.
Away from my son.
Away from the every-day-grind.

Finally pausing.

And I can see what I’ve done to my body.
All over again.

With the running.

Aru got agitated. And maybe it was unrelated to my running.
But maybe it was related.

So I think this time around.
I’m going to take it slow.
More trust.
Less fear.

More time for meditation and walks and maybe some hip-hop.
More time to cook a meal.

And less panic time for Kholo.

X
K

In our darkest hours

We have nothing to give.
Burnt.
Crisp.
Hurting and hurt.

We just need each other to take from.
But what is there to take, when you are so empty.
So so empty.

And so we try.
To fill the cup again.

Slowly.
Surely.
Hopefully.

Through the darkness of the night.

Don’t Know

I don’t know where to from here.
But I do know.
I need to slow it down.
Way down.

I need to make time for my loves.
Make time for me.
Precious me.

X
K

Manic

Why are we living in the manic?
Why so busy?
Why so committed?
Why so overloaded?

Why no time to breathe.
No time to walk.
No time to laugh.

Where are we running to?

You know it’s pointless right?

Because you might show up.
But energy doesn’t lie.

So let go of the angst.
And pace it.

We’ve got a long way to go.

X
K

Enamoured

You said it to me yesterday.
With subtlety.
But often the things you ask with subtlety are the ones that strike the realest.

Does your shine bother him?

Not the money.
Not the levels.

Just the magnificence of who you are.

And you know what.
I don’t know.
I don’t know for sure.

But I do know.
That another man was enamoured.

X
K

Intent

The intentions.
What we started with.
Flow through.

And when we stop being true to who we are, what we really wanted, how we wanted things to go down, it shows.

In the work.
In the gravity of what we do.
In the lives we live.

It shows.

Show up.
For yourself.

Because the outcome,
Will always be better than all the bullshit compromise, the comparing, the adjusting, the navigating, all the crap, you’ve bowed down to.

Show me.
You.

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