womanhood

a work in progress

Category: Career (Page 1 of 13)

In the Living

Living the same way

I guess the question is.

Do you want to go on.

Living the same way.

Today I got home around 6pm.

Vivek had gotten Aru from daycare.

Which is pretty standard.

Had prepped dinner.

I felt like I still had a million things to do.

I live a life feeling like that.

I never feel like it’s all quite done.

Because there is so much more I could be doing.

It is constant overwhelm.

And it festers.

I’ve been feeling like I really want to figure out how to figure it out.

It’s not a question of putting on more staff, we simply can’t.

It’s not a questions of outsourcing, even that we do enough of.

And I started talk to V.

He said, “Tomorrow, when you have 10 more staff, you’ll probably feel the same way, because you’ll have more expenses you need to cover”.

He was right.

We started to talk about the long term plan, the strategies behind them. The intuition vs. the intellectual. We fleshed it all out.

//

And something, somehow dawned on me.

Since I was a child, I had heard phrases like, “there is always enough time, you just need to work hard enough,” or “you can achieve anything, you just need to keep trying, or try hard enough”. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Childhood is littered with this sort of content.

The reality is.

What is the cost?

For me.

It’s the cost of not being with my son.

It’s the cost of not doing yoga.

It’s the cost of a never ending to-do list I make for myself because #overachieverfail

It’s the costliest cost.

So what if I accept.

That I have 5 hours today.

And in those hours, I can realistically achieve 5 things (or tops 10).

And therefore, I must chose which things will have the best outcome for what I want.

And be okay, to let go of the rest.

Because.

In the end.

If it is to be.

It will be.

And finally.

I think.

I can do a little less.

And sleep a lot better.

X

K

 

(May, 2018)

The Large Picture

I’m learning now.

In business.

It’s so essential to see the “end goal”.

Not necessarily the end per say.

But the “how is life going to be when you make it”.

I think I didn’t have that before.

The clarity.

And therefore, I didn’t have the pathway.

Shit is getting clearer now.

And it’s mighty fine.

Feels good.

After a long, long time.

X

K

 

 

Recurring Dreams

I always have these dreams.

That I’m getting late.

And this time,

It was clearer.

I kept getting distracted by things along the way.

Stopping me from arriving.

My politeness, holding me back.

Putting me on the burner,

Slowly and steadily.

And I’m always ok to get slowly grilled,

So long as I’m polite.

I need.

To end.

The habit.

Ok.

It’s ok

It’s ok to go slow.

It’s ok to show up late.

It’s ok to feel everything.

It’s ok to not know where it’s all going.

It’s ok to be late for after school pick-up.

It’s ok to send out deliveries a day late.

It’s ok to not be on top of your insta-game.

It’s ok to online shop when you shouldn’t.

It’s ok to feel jealous and not understand why.

It’s ok to eat that dairy milk when you wish it had been 80% dark instead.

It’s ok to pause.

It’s actually good.

So for all my A-types.

Just know, you have my blessings for every time you fuck shit up.

With love.

X

K

Worth

I have spoken to countless women about this. 

Countless mothers. 

Countless friends. 

You know what they say? 

You know what you all say? 

Money is the determining factor. 

As a society, we use money to determine things. 

He earns more, so we thought he should work. 

There is no point in me working because it doesn’t make financial sense. 

He made the decision to buy the warehouse because he makes the money. 

We moved three times for his career. 

I conceived and so a career wasn’t an option.

It seems. 

Who earns more money, seems to call the shots. 

And women especially seem to feel this the most, once they have children. 

Because they aren’t earning money, their sense of worth plummets. 

They toss their power, their self worth and arguments out the window. 

Because. He earns. 

///

Using money to decide worth is the WORST call you can make. 

Your worth is in who you are. 

Is in how loving you feel towards yourself. 

How contented you are. 

And if that means, putting the kids in childcare at an additional financial cost, so you can get some hours away from the home and engage with the world and feel HAPPY, then, your family is going to see the benefits of that. 

Don’t let money be the only measure. 

There are so many more measures. We need to give them more priority. 

Or we’ll have more depression and damaged children. 

X

K

Sinking in Doubt

I’m sinking.
Deeper and deeper.
And I’m trying to stop myself.
Everyday.

With 5 deep breaths.
With a little tidy here and there.
With spinach as a side.

Holding myself up.
Just a little.

It’s a wave you’ve gotta ride through babe.
You know you’re gonna more than make it at the other end.
So why you stressing?

I know Kholo is going to leap, sing and dance.
Not just float.

So why do I seem to obsess.
Worry.
Anxiet myself.

Let. It. Go.
Surrender.

Xx
K

How sickly are they?

Those who cannot love.

Those who cannot be free of numbers and control.

How sickly are they?

Those who hold tight.

Strangling in their love.

How sickly are they?

How sickly are you?

Controlling it the way you do.

Not enough.

Not enough.

Not enough.

It is never enough.

Perhaps one day.

When we are gone, no shadows in our trace.

Will it all finally be.

Sickeningly enough.

Don’t Know

I don’t know where to from here.
But I do know.
I need to slow it down.
Way down.

I need to make time for my loves.
Make time for me.
Precious me.

X
K

Men Vs. Men

I’m coming to the realisation.
That I don’t have room for men, who feel uncomfortable, threatened or uneasy about whom I am.

I want to be around men who champion women.
Men who admire women who are ahead of them in the game.
Men whose eyes light up when they see a successful woman.

Those are the kind of men I’m okay to have in my life.

The rest are just bad vibes.

X
K

Manic

Why are we living in the manic?
Why so busy?
Why so committed?
Why so overloaded?

Why no time to breathe.
No time to walk.
No time to laugh.

Where are we running to?

You know it’s pointless right?

Because you might show up.
But energy doesn’t lie.

So let go of the angst.
And pace it.

We’ve got a long way to go.

X
K

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