So we had a session with Kaylene last weekend.
She said to me two things.
1. If we go back to our childhood, we’ll always find something that has deeply affected us and created in us a mindset about ourselves.
2. When you hear a voice in your mind saying, “I am….” – fill in the blank. What is going on in your head.
After some further probing (Lord knows how, only Kaylene can get shit out of my head). I finally said it.
I am ugly.
It was an awful thing to hear upon my lips.
Lacing my tongue with darkness and vulnerability all at once.
I felt ashamed to admit that it and my eyes welled with tears.
I saw a magical look in V’s eye as he saw it dawn on me. He had known this is how I’d felt all along. Finally. There was hope for him that I may begin to unturn this untruth.
The shock of it was really something.
I don’t look at myself in mirrors.
Do you do that?
Look at yourself in a mirror?
Like really look. Check yo self out type of look?
I shy away.
I pretend I didn’t see her.
That lady with her tummy which won’t conceal itself and the chin that draws a straight line to my chest. Without the graceful curve of a nape.
And I still can’t believe it.
That deep down inside.
I feel like that.
I ignore her. I ignore that skin. That tummy. Those eyes which need iron and sleep and acceptance. That waistband. I pretend it’s not there. I pretend my reflection isn’t peeking back at me.
Then Kaylene said to me, “How would V feel if you ignored him? How would Aru feel if you ignored him?”.
That is when some part of it all hit home.
I’d been ignoring me.
And that was hurting me.
So I’m at the start.
Of unravelling this.
Because innately I know that no part of me is ugly.
Innately I know that I am beautiful, gorgeously, relentlessly beautiful.
But to get to there, I need to figure out how I’m going to love all of me.
Without wanting to change any part of me.