We had a session lately and at some point in the session, V said: I don’t want this marriage. I’m tired of the demands. I’m tired of doing so much. I don’t want to be expected to do things and fulfill roles.
Sitting next to him, this hurt. To think that my husband didn’t want to be with me and found me demanding. Hurt.
We went through potential examples to seek where I had been demanding and V was struggling to find an example.
However, I’ve done enough sessions with V to know, that this isn’t how he felt long term. It was how he was feeling in the moment.
We looked back upon the last few weeks to find that he’d had a 3 day conference, a day trip to Canberra, a month of pursuing Centrelink for Aru’s rebates, etc etc etc.
V is always switched on.
He rarely misses a phone call.
Rarely cancels a meeting.
And all this showing up, meant he hadn’t had time for himself.
Time for a weekend away.
Time to watch a Bollywood movie.
Time to himself, which isn’t the same as time for Aru and I.
Simply time to himself.
Disconnected from us.
I think we see so much value in connecting, that we don’t see the value in disconnecting.
But there is merit in it.
Because disconnecting, gives us the opportunity to come up for air.
To free our minds from the usual overload of commitments, emails and calls.
It’s the disconnection, that brings us back to being connected.
And so now I know, to encourage him to step away, to book a trip, to take a class, get out of the house and the list goes on.
Because as Kaylene says, “It’s not about tit for tat. It’s about helping each other, because then you’re actually helping yourself.”