womanhood

a work in progress

Dearest Aru (May 2019),

You won’t believe what your mummy is capable of.

Every night, under Tasmanian skies,

I thought of you.

The stars filled the sky, from North to South,
East to West.

And each night, we saw the moon, change it’s form.

Aru, I was in a forest.

In the dead of the night.

No torch.

And I was in some sort of a heaven.

I can’t explain it.

Your city, swag, gourmet loving mum can’t explain it.

Maybe Daddy can.

He says he always knew it was in me.

From the moment he met me.

And I know.

I know.

He’s right.

Maybe one day,

We’ll peel back the layers,

And find your Tasmanian mummy,

In the city mummy.

x

K

It’s Corny (consider yourself warned)

I think after the miscarriage, I went through what I’ve labelled as “mild depression”. It wasn’t too bad, I probably got a bit addicted to sugar to keep me afloat and am thankful to Aru for giving me a reason to drag myself out of bed.

In the middle of it tho, there was a lot of Ayurvedic support medicine I was taking and I just started getting back to my basics. Less work, a little yoga. Homemade food. Friends. That sort of stuff.

And one thing was more meditation.

I am a total sucker for Deepak & Oprah.

And one thing Oprah said really rang true for me.

She said.

It’s corny.

Be warned.

But she said.

Say “Yes To Life”.

And I realised.

That for a long time, outside of Kholo, I had been saying no.

No, I don’t want to go to Bendigo to see the Marimekko exhibit, it’s too far.

No, I don’t want to see friends, because of XYZ.

No, I don’t want to go see that movie because what if it’s not good enough?

I wanted every experience to be 100% perfection.

So much so, I had started missing out on experiences in general.

Now, I’m trying to get back to just saying yes.

To having something to look forward to over the weekend.

To catching up with friends, even though I may need to process some vibes (I tell you, I feel soooo much :/).

To having potentially bad experiences (as well as amazing ones).

All I’m saying is.

There was a greenhouse in Bendigo and it was so, so beautiful.

So.

Say Yes To Life.

And it’s beautiful surprises 🙂

X

(May, 2018)

In the Living

Living the same way

I guess the question is.

Do you want to go on.

Living the same way.

Today I got home around 6pm.

Vivek had gotten Aru from daycare.

Which is pretty standard.

Had prepped dinner.

I felt like I still had a million things to do.

I live a life feeling like that.

I never feel like it’s all quite done.

Because there is so much more I could be doing.

It is constant overwhelm.

And it festers.

I’ve been feeling like I really want to figure out how to figure it out.

It’s not a question of putting on more staff, we simply can’t.

It’s not a questions of outsourcing, even that we do enough of.

And I started talk to V.

He said, “Tomorrow, when you have 10 more staff, you’ll probably feel the same way, because you’ll have more expenses you need to cover”.

He was right.

We started to talk about the long term plan, the strategies behind them. The intuition vs. the intellectual. We fleshed it all out.

//

And something, somehow dawned on me.

Since I was a child, I had heard phrases like, “there is always enough time, you just need to work hard enough,” or “you can achieve anything, you just need to keep trying, or try hard enough”. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Childhood is littered with this sort of content.

The reality is.

What is the cost?

For me.

It’s the cost of not being with my son.

It’s the cost of not doing yoga.

It’s the cost of a never ending to-do list I make for myself because #overachieverfail

It’s the costliest cost.

So what if I accept.

That I have 5 hours today.

And in those hours, I can realistically achieve 5 things (or tops 10).

And therefore, I must chose which things will have the best outcome for what I want.

And be okay, to let go of the rest.

Because.

In the end.

If it is to be.

It will be.

And finally.

I think.

I can do a little less.

And sleep a lot better.

X

K

 

(May, 2018)

Try.

I’m feeling better.

Steadier.

Rested.

Calmer.

Trying eagerly, to seperate my thoughts from my existence.

To know that they’re thoughts.

Moving around.

Doing their thing.

Letting them move on.

Not attaching to them.

It’s not easy.

It’s baffling.

And tough to be aware.

To be present.

And watch where my mind takes me.

But I try.

Hanging in there.

The Large Picture

I’m learning now.

In business.

It’s so essential to see the “end goal”.

Not necessarily the end per say.

But the “how is life going to be when you make it”.

I think I didn’t have that before.

The clarity.

And therefore, I didn’t have the pathway.

Shit is getting clearer now.

And it’s mighty fine.

Feels good.

After a long, long time.

X

K

 

 

Round 2

We don’t usually have round 2 of an argument.

We usually have it sorted after round 1.

We need help sweetie.

We need help.

We aren’t fighters.

Yes, we used to be.

But it never worked for us.

The seperate beds, the harsh words, the uncaring.

It has never been who we are.

Let’s.

Get.

Help.

X

K

 

(May, 2018)

Charmer

There is a Kings of Leon song somewhere in history.

About a charmer.

And I think I became one very early on.

I used to be feisty.

I used to be radical and outspoken.

I never got voted for prefect in primary school.

I think the teachers decided I should be one anyways,

Because you know. Surnames.

Safe to say, I never won the popular vote.

Then.

I had this fight at high school, where I was arguing with a girl.

And she ripped it into me.

For always being “right”.

And no one had really fought me back till her.

No one had tried to put me in my so called place.

I was stunned.

I didn’t really know how to process or cope.

For some reason, I doubled down and thought she was right and I was wrong.

Who I was being was hurting people.

And so I learnt to win love.

To win votes.

To win affection.

Because I wanted to be the frickin belle of the ball.

And so I layered up.

Made up.

And I trained to win.

I’m so good at it now.

I can’t tell you who I really am.

Because it’s somewhere there.

Under all the layers.

Of the pleasing.

X

K

Recurring Dreams

I always have these dreams.

That I’m getting late.

And this time,

It was clearer.

I kept getting distracted by things along the way.

Stopping me from arriving.

My politeness, holding me back.

Putting me on the burner,

Slowly and steadily.

And I’m always ok to get slowly grilled,

So long as I’m polite.

I need.

To end.

The habit.

Volatile

You called me volatile.

But where did that come from?

I feel like I needed to.

Start to fix.

This control.

Thing.

Of.

Yours.

Because, it’s been going on so long.

Now I see it from outside of us.

I see you and me.

What it does to you.

And what it does to me.

You push.

I fold.

You push.

I fold.

And so it goes on.

I think the aftermath of that,

Is always going to be volatile.

 

(May, 2018)

Ok.

It’s ok

It’s ok to go slow.

It’s ok to show up late.

It’s ok to feel everything.

It’s ok to not know where it’s all going.

It’s ok to be late for after school pick-up.

It’s ok to send out deliveries a day late.

It’s ok to not be on top of your insta-game.

It’s ok to online shop when you shouldn’t.

It’s ok to feel jealous and not understand why.

It’s ok to eat that dairy milk when you wish it had been 80% dark instead.

It’s ok to pause.

It’s actually good.

So for all my A-types.

Just know, you have my blessings for every time you fuck shit up.

With love.

X

K

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