womanhood

a work in progress

Page 3 of 60

Running

I’ve been observing myself over the last year.
Trying to find a balance of self care and work.

When I ran a design agency, I never really cared enough about my health.
I was trying, but perhaps, also running.
Running to keep it going.
To get somewhere.

And I realise now.
I’ve done the same thing since having launched Kholo.

Running.
From the fear of not succeeding.

And now, I’m on an island.
Taking a break.
Away from my son.
Away from the every-day-grind.

Finally pausing.

And I can see what I’ve done to my body.
All over again.

With the running.

Aru got agitated. And maybe it was unrelated to my running.
But maybe it was related.

So I think this time around.
I’m going to take it slow.
More trust.
Less fear.

More time for meditation and walks and maybe some hip-hop.
More time to cook a meal.

And less panic time for Kholo.

X
K

Cope

Sometimes.
You need to step away from everything.
Everyone.

To cope.

It’s ok.
It’s good for you.

X
K

Dearest Aru (Early November, 2017),

I’ve been away from you for two weeks now and it has been painful. Every time I hear your cherry voice, I’m surprised that your tone isn’t angry at me for being away. It’s simply happy to hear me.

I want to find a way to bring you with me. To be together more, apart less.
But your daddy and I are particular about whom we choose to care for you.

I love you Aru. I love you deeply.

So I’m coming home with elephants and tigers and a heart full of you.

X
K

In our darkest hours

We have nothing to give.
Burnt.
Crisp.
Hurting and hurt.

We just need each other to take from.
But what is there to take, when you are so empty.
So so empty.

And so we try.
To fill the cup again.

Slowly.
Surely.
Hopefully.

Through the darkness of the night.

Solace

There you were
Seeking all the right words
From all the wrong people

There is no solace.
In anyone.
Outside of you.

It is.
In you.

Grief.
And only for you to.
Heal.

Risk Vs. Outcome

There is no formula for attraction.
For love.
For this mish mash we call life.

There is nothing that explains to me.
Why I am.
Attracted to you.

You’re not my type.
You’re not in my books.
Not in the art.

You’re all things removed from me.
To list it here would reveal you.
So I won’t.

Somebody please explain this mess in my mind.
Preferably not you, because then we might be more than nothing.

And as much as I want that.
I don’t.
I do.
I don’t.
I do.
I don’t know.
I don’t.
I do.
I just don’t.
Know.
Won’t.
Risk.
It all.

X
K

Don’t Know

I don’t know where to from here.
But I do know.
I need to slow it down.
Way down.

I need to make time for my loves.
Make time for me.
Precious me.

X
K

Issues

We have issues with what other people do.
Because that makes us uncomfortable in our own skin.
We wonder, “why am I not like that?”.

//

She buys designer clothes. OMG it costs like $1000 bucks a pop. Why would she spend her money on that?

She’s such a workaholic, I would never want to be home after 8pm.

She wears such full on colour. I find it a bit brash. Like why?

She is so skinny. She probably eats nothing.

And it goes on.

//

If we felt secure in ourselves, we wouldn’t give a shit about being different to others. The conversation would be non-existent. Because who cares?!

And that. Is why we seek to convert people. To become more like ourselves. Basically because it makes us feel more secure about ourselves.

Because we’re insecure in the first place…

X
K

Men Vs. Men

I’m coming to the realisation.
That I don’t have room for men, who feel uncomfortable, threatened or uneasy about whom I am.

I want to be around men who champion women.
Men who admire women who are ahead of them in the game.
Men whose eyes light up when they see a successful woman.

Those are the kind of men I’m okay to have in my life.

The rest are just bad vibes.

X
K

Manic

Why are we living in the manic?
Why so busy?
Why so committed?
Why so overloaded?

Why no time to breathe.
No time to walk.
No time to laugh.

Where are we running to?

You know it’s pointless right?

Because you might show up.
But energy doesn’t lie.

So let go of the angst.
And pace it.

We’ve got a long way to go.

X
K

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