womanhood

a work in progress

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It took us a while to get to here.

It’s taken me a while to love you.
Like I do.
Now.

Aru. When you grow up, you might ask me, “Maa, how could you ever have not loved me?”.

What will I say to you then?
I did but I didn’t?

There were times when there was anger. Frustration. Dread for the next day.
How can I say these things.
Out loud.

You’re a slice of heaven.
You forgive me for letting you cry in the night.
You forgive me for ignoring you when you just want a cuddle.
You forgive me for trying to feed you when there are tears in your eyes.
You forgive me for being firm with that diaper change.
You forgive me for not wiping your nose as often as I wipe mine when we both have the flu.
You forgive me for prioritising that youtube video over your little fall down.
You forgive me for the dark thought I had and the energy it probably sent you.
You forgive me for.
Everything.

There is a smile every time I feel like I’ve failed you.
How.

 

If I could be one thing to you.
It would simply be this.
To love you with the same relentlessness in which you love me.

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2 Comments

  1. Shelyn

    I have a daughter probably around the same age as Aru. She turned one 2 weeks ago. I have been secretly enjoying reading your blog and didn’t really leave a comment (Sorry) but this post made me want to. Probably because I saw us in every word of this post…and I think I am not “there” yet but I hope I will get there sooner. I love my daughter to bits and your posts just makes me love her more…I just don’t know what level of love do I need to have to know that I am “there”….would you happen to know?

    • karishma

      To be honest, I think for me it was two things.
      1. He passed the one year mark (he’s 14 months now).
      2. I stopped stressing about things relating to him.
      I used to worry about his sleep, his food, his etc etc. Now I take it easy and trust that everything will fall in place. It sounds a bit “hippie”. But I just LET GO. And sure enough, there seems to be some energy around us which just makes everything lighter and easier. It’s put me in a warm place and I’m happy in that place.

      I think kids stress us out because we are already stressed out :/ He’s most relaxed when I am and of course, some days are hard, but then some days are just the best thing ever 🙂 I hope this helps beautiful. xx

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