When I’m with my family, I compare myself more. Feel more. Absorb more.
Mood swings, undertones, the words that never reach lips and gaping distances that are invisible to all others.
My body suddenly feels ugly in the light of my sisters.
My face below average in the shine of theirs.
My being never ever meeting the expectation. The bar that my father sets (which he never sets, I just set it from all things unspoken).
Career. Motherhood. In all, I feel a failure.
Sometimes for many moments.
My thoughts fill my head.
I don’t know they’re circling.
Swarming like eels in my mind.
And I’m famished.
All the time.
Nothing satisfies me.
So I compound the weight.
With more upon more upon more upon more.
My judgement of myself isn’t loving.
It’s never happy enough.
Never impressed enough.
Is this what family does?
Or is this what I have done?
Don’t get me wrong. I love being with them.
We haven’t even fought much yet and Cuba has been a challenge in many ways.
But perhaps they are all shining lights on things I don’t want to see.
Perhaps we’re all of that to one another.
So where do I go from here?
Break down every single photo that meets my disapproval.
To love oneself seems easier said than done.
To feel enough?
When anyone criticises your motherhood in their own state of disarray?
I know it is their own misgivings. Words unintended for how they were received.
And my relationship with my body?
Where does that begin?
It all began a long time ago.
When I was slimmer, I always thought I’d be the slimmest forever.
Then DK put in the work. Fine tuned her ass.
And I didn’t.
Thyroid came. Aru came.
As I started to unravel my own journey, I had so many tumbles and slides back down.
It feels like it has been years since I’ve loved my photographs.
And perhaps it has been decades, or perhaps I never loved them at all.
I want to be like them.
Because I don’t love myself enough… To want to be me.
To love me.
For my family who love me and are no doubt reading this – I love you. You’re taking me on a journey. I need to unravel this. All the feels.