Is a terrifying feeling.
To give into a friendship, without really having charted the territory prior, is such risky business.
To under perform, or not live up to a husbands belief value set and fear his low opinion of you. His rejection of you.
To go to a party and stare at a wall, because you can’t really make yourself into that conversation. Feels so challenging.
To not show up for your child, to say, I love you, but I’m going to be late today. Or I love you, but I don’t have it in me to get out of bed today. To not be bothered feeding them, because you just can’t bear the drama. Feels so so so bad.
To listen to pop music and then dull it down, reject yourself in a joke, LIKE YOU CAN’T BELIEVE YOU LIKE IT, because you perceive it as uncool.
To tell a friend you care about, that you simply don’t like parties and don’t want to show up to hers. Feels like you are going to hurt them so much, but its either that or it’s lying about your child being sick on the night when she really expected you to show up.
To wear black in the morning, because you don’t want anyone to look at you. You don’t want anyone to notice you, because you feel your fat levels are too much or your skin isn’t radiant enough. If you attract too much attention, they’ll say, why is she trying so hard?
To not be okay with parts of you.
And push them into a corner.
Because your other bits shine better.
Is holding back all of you.
Because your darkness, your curves, your skinny-ness, your pimples, your unwillingness, your inabilities, your bluntness, your crudeness and your lack of perfection.
Your each and every imperfection.
Is what gives you perfect.
Makes you complete.
Owning every vulnerable part of you is so fucking hard.
I kid you not.
I’ve been asking myself for days.
What do I fear?
What am I scared of?
Why am I doing this when I WANT to do that?
Why am I being this when I WANT to be that?
It is so hard.
But owning it.
Is the best place to start.