The thing is. Everyone has needs and wants.
And ultimately.
Everyone is doing what they need to do, the have them met.
So don’t be upset.
Don’t take it personally.
And don’t give yours up.
A little bit of compromise and a little bit of effort.
X
K
Sometimes, when we spend time with the wrong people, Their energies permeate us.
The words they say, marr our souls.
And so.
For the sake of courtesy.
Is it really worth it?
K
I’ve allowed myself to not show up.
To take a pause.
To say, it’s okay, if I don’t live up to what I said I would.
To sleep in.
To laugh with my family instead.
To chase Aru around the backyard instead.
I’m sorry.
If you were waiting.
I met a man who said he reads my blogs everyday.
And I felt shy and awkward at once.
What would he be reading?
I swear here.
I talk about sex here.
I put everything out.
Here.
But then.
I also know.
I am real.
Here.
And being real.
Is whom I’ve always wanted to be.
Not biting my tongue.
Not bending my back.
Not sugaring my words.
Not lying through my teeth.
And.
So for this space.
There are no resolutions.
Other than.
That this is enough.
Being here, when I can, as I am.
Is enough.
Hope you’ve got a space that feels like home to you too.
X
K
We had a session with Kaylene the other day and she was talking to V about purpose.
What is your purpose?
And aside from writing this stuff, right here.
I’ve always felt like my purpose – my life’s work can’t be “just designing clothes”.
It felt fickle.
Not deep enough.
I come from a culture.
A bookish history.
A lifetime that wasn’t dedicated to the love of art and the beautiful.
I come from hard work.
Tough lives.
I come from days with less money.
There was not a moment to be lost in musing.
In a wandering brush stroke.
Then.
Trump got elected.
And all over my feed.
There were women.
Healing.
With beauty.
A flower.
A few words.
A smile.
A petal.
Anything.
That would give hope.
Calm the eyes and calm the mind.
Bring healing.
And I realised.
Beauty is that.
Not what we’ve made it today.
But that.
A trip to a gallery to soothe your soul.
A home which is alive with greens and flushes of pink.
Those eyes lined with kohl.
A sensory awareness.
We don’t allow ourselves to indulge in.
Is beauty.
X
K
//
PS Merry Christmas my friends. I hope you’re full of all the feels with those you love surrounding you. For I’ve recently realised, there is no greater blessing than that.
NOTE: Featured image from the Viktor & Rolf exhibition at the National Gallery of Victoria.
//
I don’t know where forgiveness comes from.
Does it come in me?
Why can’t I find it?
I’m afraid if I forgive you.
That makes it ok.
That says.
Do it again.
I won’t mind.
But really.
I want to say.
Don’t you dare fucking ever do that again.
Or this whole thing.
Is over.
I’m out.
You’re the only thing holding you back.
NOTE: Featured image taken at the Viktor & Rolf Exhibition at the National Gallery of Victoria.
//
So we sit and we criticise.
He did that.
She said this.
We look at people on their worst days.
During their challenging times.
Thinking.
We’ll never be like that.
But the sick thing is.
We are.
We are just like that.
Except we tell ourselves that we aren’t.
The things we do to pass the time.
I’m learning lately, what I do to pass time.
Actually, what I do to fill time.
Eat.
Watch Netflix.
Scroll my Instagram feed.
Keep myself busy, I mean, hey, there is linseed waiting to be ground and the towels HAVE to be washed twice a week.
To just sit.
To just be.
I don’t know how to do that.
So instead.
I make up all these things that keep me “busy”.
Find myself exhausted.
And wondering why.
I’ve got nothing left to give.
Xx
K
Today, I asked a friend of mine for help.
The thing is, she’s pretty high profile.
And we haven’t been friends for years.
It’s more like months.
So a big part of me was nervous.
What if she thought I only wanted to ask her for things?
Immediately, she called me up.
She couldn’t wait to help.
My eyes filled with tears as I realised how I’d feared her potential rejection.
And here she was.
On the other end of the line, filling my heart to it’s brim.
I said, “It’s so tricky, it’s like being friends with a celebrity.”
She said, “Imagine us both as village women. Just hanging out and going to the river with our pails for water. Chilling and chatting. Looking after each other.”
She said, “That’s what womanhood is.”
And in that moment.
I realised.
We need to strip each other off our titles.
Off from the number of followers on our profiles.
Strip the money off our backs.
The jewels from our fingers.
And just feel souls.
Just feel that good, loving energy.
I’d confused my emotions with all the clutter.
It was so hard to see just her.
A friend.
Because all the other stuff,
Made it about other stuff.
And we don’t need that shit.
Oh no we don’t.
Xx
K
Is a terrifying feeling.
To give into a friendship, without really having charted the territory prior, is such risky business.
To under perform, or not live up to a husbands belief value set and fear his low opinion of you. His rejection of you.
To go to a party and stare at a wall, because you can’t really make yourself into that conversation. Feels so challenging.
To not show up for your child, to say, I love you, but I’m going to be late today. Or I love you, but I don’t have it in me to get out of bed today. To not be bothered feeding them, because you just can’t bear the drama. Feels so so so bad.
To listen to pop music and then dull it down, reject yourself in a joke, LIKE YOU CAN’T BELIEVE YOU LIKE IT, because you perceive it as uncool.
To tell a friend you care about, that you simply don’t like parties and don’t want to show up to hers. Feels like you are going to hurt them so much, but its either that or it’s lying about your child being sick on the night when she really expected you to show up.
To wear black in the morning, because you don’t want anyone to look at you. You don’t want anyone to notice you, because you feel your fat levels are too much or your skin isn’t radiant enough. If you attract too much attention, they’ll say, why is she trying so hard?
To not be okay with parts of you.
And push them into a corner.
Because your other bits shine better.
Is holding back all of you.
Because your darkness, your curves, your skinny-ness, your pimples, your unwillingness, your inabilities, your bluntness, your crudeness and your lack of perfection.
Your each and every imperfection.
Is what gives you perfect.
Makes you complete.
Owning every vulnerable part of you is so fucking hard.
I kid you not.
I’ve been asking myself for days.
What do I fear?
What am I scared of?
Why am I doing this when I WANT to do that?
Why am I being this when I WANT to be that?
It is so hard.
But owning it.
Is the best place to start.
Xx
K
I really would love for this to be a moment in your day, when we shift gears. Pause. Ponder.
And get a little more aware of all the feels. xx
I really would love for this to be a moment in your day, when we shift gears. Pause. Ponder.
And get a little more aware of all the feels. xx
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