womanhood

a work in progress

Category: Motherhood (Page 4 of 21)

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Disappointing The Ones We Love

I think. 
We worry about the little ways we’ll disappoint them. 
Maybe we’ll give an honest opinion. 

Maybe we won’t pick up the FaceTime call. 

Maybe we won’t do the dishes. 

Maybe we said no to the way they treat our children.

Maybe we won’t go for that walk they’ve been proclaiming does wonders. 

Maybe we’ll see them a little less. 

Maybe we’ll loose our temper and get angry. 

Maybe we travel far.

Maybe we’ll eat that ice cream they would disapprove of, or yet, that cheesey pizza slice. 

Maybe we’ll stand by someone else, other than them. 

Maybe we quit the job they told us not to quit. 

Maybe we married the man / woman / lover they didn’t approve of. 

Maybe we chose a different faith. 
There are a million ways. 
But I’m learning now, 

If I’m not true to me, 

I’ll be disappointing them with

Fake. 

Lies.

Treachery. 

False Arts. 
And deep love runs deeper than that. 
X

K

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Parents-in-law. 

Once we stop comparing our father-in-law to our father. 
Our mother-in-law to our mother. 
We are released. 

From expectations. 

From hurt. 

From disappointment. 
They’re simply different people. 
X

K

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Dearest Aru (mid December, 2016)

Dear Aru, 

Your love for me is so tender. 
I am enamoured. 
You wouldn’t let anyone take a plate, cup, seat or a sip from me. 

You’re my defender, my protector. 

Making sure my place in the world is secure and you’re barely 3. 
If I arrive, nothing else matters to you. 

Maa has arrived. 

There is song. 

There is laughter. 

There is excitement. 

And on my luckiest of days, there is a run. 

A run upon a path that leads directly to me. 
My darling. 

A love like this? 
I never knew. 
Oh I saw it in your father when he stood against all for me. 

Fearlessly and without a shade of doubt. 
But that love. 

I never expected from you. 

Had hopes from you. 
You owe me nothing my child. 

Nothing. 
And here you are. 

Giving me your whole world, upon your little steel plate. 
Saying. 
Here Maa. 

I got this for you. 
Xx

K

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Cry.

If you don’t let them fall, How will you gather your tears? 
If you don’t howl in pain, 

How will you find relief? 
If you don’t find comfort at your wife’s collar, 

How will you flirt at her waist? 
Diamonds are never made love to my friend. 

Hard. Cool. Unfeeling. 

They lie upon a nape, all day, perhaps even, all night, but are never made love to. 
Humans. 

Failing. 

Soft. 

Crying. 

Angry. 

Emotional. 

Fucked up. 
Are. 

Loved. 

More. 

Than diamonds. 
So. 

Cry. 

Howl. 

Grieve. 
Let your body be alive. 
X

K

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Pedestals 

I think we all put people on pedestals. 

Influences. 

Sisters. 

Friends. 

Mentors. 

Parents. 

Entrepreneurs. 

Yogis. 

Artists. 
Etc. 

etc. 

etc. 
But I think the closer to ground they are in our minds, the better it is. 

Everyone of us is flawed. 

We all have aspects which can be vindictive, cruel, manipulative, hurtful, greedy and harsh. 

EVERYONE of us. 

And it’s ok. 

Sometimes we act on them, sometimes we don’t. 
But its imperative we recognise that other people we love or admire or adore, also have these traits. 
And that is ok. 
x

K

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The thing is.

The thing is. Everyone has needs and wants. 

And ultimately. 

Everyone is doing what they need to do, the have them met. 
So don’t be upset.

Don’t take it personally. 

And don’t give yours up. 
A little bit of compromise and a little bit of effort.
X

K

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Baby you.

You’re no good. No good at all. 
Baby you’re no good for me. 

For us. 
You’re no good. 
Go get fixed. 

Talk. 

Scream. 

Fight. 

Yell. 
Go do what you need to do. 

Far from here. 
I don’t want you home. 

Till you’re done. 
For good. 

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Happy New Year…

I’ve allowed myself to not show up. 

To take a pause. 

To say, it’s okay, if I don’t live up to what I said I would. 

To sleep in. 

To laugh with my family instead. 

To chase Aru around the backyard instead. 
I’m sorry. 

If you were waiting. 
I met a man who said he reads my blogs everyday. 

And I felt shy and awkward at once. 
What would he be reading? 

I swear here. 

I talk about sex here. 

I put everything out. 

Here. 
But then. 

I also know. 

I am real. 

Here. 
And being real. 

Is whom I’ve always wanted to be. 

Not biting my tongue. 

Not bending my back. 

Not sugaring my words. 

Not lying through my teeth. 
And. 

So for this space. 

There are no resolutions. 
Other than. 

That this is enough. 

Being here, when I can, as I am. 

Is enough. 
Hope you’ve got a space that feels like home to you too. 
X

K

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Out

NOTE: Featured image from the Viktor & Rolf exhibition at the National Gallery of Victoria.

//

I don’t know where forgiveness comes from.

Does it come in me?
Why can’t I find it?

I’m afraid if I forgive you.
That makes it ok.
That says.
Do it again.
I won’t mind.

But really.
I want to say.

Don’t you dare fucking ever do that again.

Or this whole thing.
Is over.

I’m out.

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Dear Aru (early November, 2016)

Dear Aru,

It’s been a long time since I wrote of you.

In this way.

Today, you woke up halfway in the middle of your nap and your Papa told me to cuddle you for a bit. Perhaps you’d go back to sleep.

So I came in, picked you up and cuddled you into the crook of my arm.

The place you seem to love falling asleep in.

From the early days when you’d nod off after a feed.

And your fair face.

Eyes so angelic.

Your pouty lips.

And your blunt nose.

All like a little bit of heaven.

I say this all the time, but I like you even more now.

Perhaps these days won’t come back.

When you turn around hoping we’ll come chasing after you.

When you love it that I tickle your thighs.

Perhaps these moments will quickly become memories.

When you beg me to read a book 3 times over.

When you give me the last of your raspberries.

When you stare at a cat and scream, “CAT!!!! CAT!!! CAT!!!”, as if it’s won a Guinness Record.

Perhaps we’ll never get this again.

Never get this moment in the sun again.

With you.

When we really are your world.

Your world really does revolve around our laughter and our love.

This heaven.

Might never come back.

So.

My love.

I just had to write it down, to tell you.

That there was a time.

When you once felt about us.

In this magnificent way.

Xx

K

Page 4 of 21

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