womanhood

a work in progress

Category: Money (Page 2 of 3)

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Mo Money

Isn’t it funny. How you thought. 

You swore. 

That with more money, 

you’d be happier? 

I’d be happier? 

We’d be happier? 
And when it came, 

We found out. 

It wasn’t necessarily so? 

X

K

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I believe in you.

Yesterday, I opened up my emails and skim read one from a friend.

It ended with:

I believe in you.

And it made me cry.

I don’t think she knew what she’d done.

Don’t think she realised what she’d said.

Just how deep it ran.

How many times do we hear it?

How many times has someone simply told you – so unconditionally, that they believe in you? I feel like whispering it into Aru’s ears every night. I feel like giving V a cuddle with it every morning. I feel like messaging my little sister every damn day so she never forgets. And I know my older sister always believed in me, she’s the reason why I’m in a creative career.

Say it.

To someone.

Who needs it.

Today.

Because.

No matter what.

I believe.

In.

YOU.

X

K

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Comparing Numbers

When I was in Paris, there was a woman on the trip who was significantly wealthy.

Hermes bag, Dolce sunnies, gorgeous and super wealthy.

One day, her and I shared an uber together.

Whilst we were sitting in the car, V called me to discuss the return flight him.

I only wanted to upgrade if we had points. I didn’t see it worthwhile to upgrade for a solo flight and pay cash. Especially if it was over a certain threshold.

A part of me felt embarrassed to be discussing lean finances whilst someone so wealthy could overhear it.

I ended the conversation rapidly.

She smiled at me. She said it was great that I had such a clear idea of money and where it was best spent.

I will never forget that.

It made me stronger and clearer about my financial choices.

Not embarrassed about being true to what is and what isn’t.

X

K

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Rahisya Nadi

Bear with me on this one – I’m not a doctor or an Ayurvedic specialist. But once we get to the crux, you might feel ideas and thoughts ticking in your brain.

So, V and I have had multiple conversations on this – and in short – imagine a cord from your mind to your heart. Imagine that cord storing strong memories. Once a tragedy strikes or you feel something super deep, it gets stuck in your Rahisya Nadi – the cord from your mind to your heart. 

Now that you’ve got that bit. Let the story begin. 

// 

A long time ago, I was young and naive and really impressionable. I met a girl who liked the same kind of music I did. I was girl crushing big time. Finally, in the little town of Suva, I met someone with similar artistic interests to me. This hadn’t not happened in my life yet. I wanted to hang out! 

And so we did! It was awesome. 

However, after a while, for some reason, this girl was a bit more interested in my sister’s friends than me. One day I called and I realise she didn’t even want to talk to me, she told her mum to tell me she was too busy. 

I was so broken. 

From that day onwards, I never really leapt into friendships. I held back. Observed. I was reserved and cautious. 

I could never really express my true delight in being friends with someone. 

In my eyes. 

It was a weakness to express so much of my heart. 

//

I had an open heart. 

But after this experience had nestled itself in my Rahisya Nadi, I was cautious and closed hearted. It often takes me years to make deep friendships and even then, I never go around saying, “I heart you so much!” – unless I’m drunk. 

V asked me:

If you met a woman who was open hearted. 

Vs. 

A woman who was closed hearted. 

Whom would you rather be friends with?

//

The thing is. Life is about unravelling the life lessons that come from fear and dark experiences.

To be like a child again.

And let the fear go.

X

K

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Ready?

If it’s bothering you.
Chances are.
It’s challenging you.
And the question is.
Are you ready to step up to it?

 

x

K

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I feel like the only thing that can save us from anything is good intent.

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Shiny.

I didn’t realize.
That for the longest time.
You were afraid of my shine.

 

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He Earns More Than Me 

When we were in NY, V and I had a moment. 

A shopping disparage moment. 

His budget for shopping was X, mine was Y. 

In this case, X was three times smaller than Y. 
Generally speaking, we don’t have this discrepancy. 

We are usually agree on what things we like to spend money on and whilst it is different for each of us, it doesn’t cause a disagreement. 
Of course, the larger part of the issue was that I hadn’t been earning for a month. I’d recently sold my business and was taking some time out to figure out what I wanted to do next. Trust me, this state of confusion isn’t really a joy. It takes gratitude and patience and appreciation to really revel in this state. None of which I had in June. 
So… 
My point is. 

In my head, V could call the shots on money, since he was clearly the one bringing it in. 

So I felt like I didn’t have a say. 

(This emotion generated by own mind of course, not his). 
We solved the argument with a discussion on the benefits of purchasing items in America vs. Australia. 
Design. 

Sizing. 

Pricing.  
(Yes, I would love to buy the perfect ankle sock or leather handbag in Australia, Australian made even. But it’s simply harder to find or doesn’t exist in the designs I love). 
So that solved the budgeting issue to a degree. 
But underneath it all. 

I realised. 
I like making money. 

Somedays more. 

Somedays less. 

On most days more. 
It gives me the power to choose. To choose more if I wish. Even if I don’t wish. 

I simply want to choose. 

And whilst V has never rendered me powerless to choose, I had. 
It still bothered me. 
I’m okay with him making more. 

I’m learning that it is possible for me to make more, so long as I actually believe it’s possible. 
But money is ego. 

It tells you (or rather you tell you) that your opinion is of value, where it is concerned. 

Because. 
You earnt it. 
Tricky one that money thing…. 
X

K

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Feeding The Ego

Yesterday we were talking about “what fills up my time”. 
I have many, many things that do. 

Dishes. Aru. Rug selection. Ramen noodles. Trip bookings. Etc. 
But none of those things. 

Feed my inner ego. 
For some people, it’s kudos. 

For some it’s money. 

For some it’s love. 
For me? 

It’s probably money and kudos. 
Lot’s of it. 
I think outside of meeting basic needs. 

Feeding the ego is probably first up. 
I’ve been wasting so much time on Instagram and my Promotions tab in Gmail. 

I know it’s because I’m not truly satisfied. 
Although my Stella Adidas tights do come quite close.. 
So – next pursuits?! Feed the ego for me 🙂 I just need to find out how!
Xx

K

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My sweetest.

Resigned

Who told you this is how it has to be?
This is where the story ends?
It’s just got to be this way?
This is practical and so it’s the right thing?

Who told you all good things must come to an end?
A life without love is ok?
Dissatisfaction is a daily requirement?
Pray my sweet. Who told you?

Always remember this. My child, my friend, my sister, my lover, my world.

Always remember.
Your story is written by you.

Xx

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