Why do we cheat? Why do we hit?
Why do we crave ice-cream?
Why do we seek affection?
Why do we need that afternoon coffee?
Why do we need to travel?
Why do we seek connection?
Why do we buy that extra pair of shoes?
Why did we put down the money for the Leowe?
I’ve always been about finding out the why.
But now, it feels like I know so much “why”.
It almost makes it harder to
Just.
Be.
Perhaps not the act that cause you become / be / do. But the after math of all of that.
The dawning.
Of.
Oh.
Shit.
Like I’ve released something.
Like I need to keep on going.
Like I need to forgive the past.
Accept it was a time of learning, at least it wasn’t a lifetime.
You know not, how many times I’ve wondered.
If other people live like this.
With all this shit in their heads.
Going on and on.
Like a mouse in a loop.
Scurrying.
Scurrying.
I would tell you what I know, If I was out of the woods.
But for now,
I’m a little lost.
Figuring out this life game.
X
K
I was worried Aru was sleeping with his teddy every night. Getting a bit too attached.
Wanted to take it with him everywhere.
Then I realised,
I sleep with my phone next to me every night.
X
K
Sometimes. Actually most of the time.
The hardest thing to hear is yourself.
Your insides.
Amidst all this.
A barrage of your senses and an assault of your mind.
This everything.
X
K
We simply. Cannot be.
Friends.
If you don’t go deep.
X
K
I used to be quiet. I used to cry every day that I had to attend kindergarten, probably for months. My dad sent the driver with a big ruler in the boot to ensure I wasn’t to come back home in the car, but to get out of the car instead.
I didn’t like parties or functions.
Then at some point, it dawned on me.
That perhaps, to be popular.
You needed to smile and laugh and socialise.
Perhaps to be loved among your peers and respected,
You needed to turn on the charm and dial out the right details.
Perhaps.
And so I did.
I got the popularity.
I got the 500+ on Facebook.
I got the “friends”.
///
But I stopped being who I innately was.
I lost all that for this falsehood.
And truth is.
I don’t really want the 500. I just want the 5.
And the truth is.
I don’t want to pretend anymore.
I’d rather be me.
Private. Quiet.
But happy to be in the sun
With the right person.
Instead of the 100 wrong ones.
X
K
There could be 100 reasons why.
But try turning off the wifi and the data for a day.
And see if your brain feels better for it.
For the chance to breathe.
Pause.
A chance to
Un-think.
Stop-think.
X
K
V and I have been through some interesting marriage realisations lately.
So if you’re reading the posts and hoping we’re ok – we are.
We basically realised we were stuck in a loop.
He developed a superiority complex and I developed an inferiority complex.
Together, it was so complimentary, it was nuts.
Each was feeding off the other.
You really do get what you give out to the universe.
Till one day V was like, she’s too dependant on me.
And I was like, he’s too controlling.
And since then, we’ve been unravelling.
Loosening the bolts.
Readjusting the hinges.
Kind of finding our zen again.
We’re not quite there yet.
I need to hear my soul for me to get there.
So if you’re reading some posts that have you worried – just know, they were a month ago, we’re processing and all is well (mostly!). And you’ll find this journey marked in “The Sexes” category, in case you want to know how it’s all falling into place or out of place 🙂
X hugs,
K
I really would love for this to be a moment in your day, when we shift gears. Pause. Ponder.
And get a little more aware of all the feels. xx
I really would love for this to be a moment in your day, when we shift gears. Pause. Ponder.
And get a little more aware of all the feels. xx
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