Should she stay or should she go.
Because she doesn’t know how to be.
In that moment when you don’t give her a choice.
When she fears your body, your hands, your palms.
She doesn’t know how to be.
And she sees her little boy watching.
Eyes wide.
He knows.
He knows.
One day, he’ll look at you with the same eyes.
Wide eyes.
And return to you the same words you said to her.
And it will be the saddest revenge.
X
K
You know what.
You’re right.
Counselling isn’t for everyone.
It’s only for those who really, truly want to make their lives better.
Not quite sure about the rest.
x
K
She didn’t say anything when he came home.
I didn’t expect a hug or a kiss.
But a word. Or two.
The silence surprised me.
And then the pieces fell into place.
She’s building up.
The blame.
He’s avoiding.
The shame.
Together they’re marching separately.
And perhaps decades from now.
Something will crack.
Her spine.
And all the blame she’s collected will come gushing forth.
But darling.
Decades from now,
What is the point,
For every day of happiness you lost,
When you didn’t put up a fight,
Didn’t speak your mind,
Didn’t say,
Uh-uh.
Didn’t say,
There has to be more.
Didn’t say,
It’s not working.
Decades of blame.
Aren’t his fault.
They’re yours.
Because you harboured them.
Safely in your waters.
You shielded them.
Built up the defence.
You prepared.
For the raging war.
So when it’s here.
I just hope it’s what you want.
Xx
Resigned
Who told you this is how it has to be?
This is where the story ends?
It’s just got to be this way?
This is practical and so it’s the right thing?
Who told you all good things must come to an end?
A life without love is ok?
Dissatisfaction is a daily requirement?
Pray my sweet. Who told you?
Always remember this. My child, my friend, my sister, my lover, my world.
Always remember.
Your story is written by you.
Xx
Looking back.
I think it was a culmination of everything I’d seen, read, absorbed.
I knew what I didn’t want.
So perhaps it was the process of elimination.
NOTE: You need to read this WHOLE post, because the beginning is not always an indication of the end.
I didn’t want a man who would ask me to make tea while we were watching a movie.
I didn’t want to belong to a society that segregated women from men.
I didn’t want to be the one cooking and cleaning.
I didn’t want to look after a child and compromise my career.
I wanted to adopt.
I wanted to dance.
I didn’t want to be tied to traditions and old school formats.
So. That was kind of my list.
What I found out about V was yes to some. No to some.
He would ask me to make him chai from time to time. Even bhajia (do you even know the effort it takes!), samosas, roti and puri! For him, food and care is love. These are his languages. I just know that I don’t need to plate up all the time. So I say no every now and then just to keep him on his toes. Which I’d highly recommend by the way. Otherwise these men really take you for a ride!
I married into a society even more traditional than my own. Thankfully, my in-laws weren’t. Of course, they tried. In their own ways. But luckily, I was born with a rebellious streak. Whilst I wanted their affection and approval, I realised this was coming at a cost. The cost was brutal. It made V unhappy and it made me unhappy. So I let it go. Unsurprisingly, they still love me.
V couldn’t do much cooking or cleaning. To my huge dismay. He wanted a cleaner and I felt like it was too opulent. After all, we should all be able to clean up after ourselves shouldn’t we? This banter went on for quite some time, we tried a roster, less for him, more for me etc etc. Nothing worked. Then we tried a cleaner (after a counselling session) and it stuck.
So based on the above initial points. I wasn’t really getting what I was after. Initially at least. But after some unravelling and counselling, we ended up coming to some super sweet compromises.
Financially, V had nothing on him when we met. Salvation Army jeans. A coffee was a treat. He came from old money, but it was all tied up in legal affairs (still is). But. He was so damn ambitious. So relentlessly hard working. To the point it used to annoy me. But he’s always been true to that.
Phone calls when we’re on family holidays. Meetings when he’s sick. I don’t know how. But I knew. He would make it through the fray. He would fulfil each and every dream he desired. I simply knew it and I never doubted it.
I think that a woman who has faith in her man, is a magical thing. I know that sounds so lame. But. I did. I always told him I did. I still do. When it’s tough and we’re riding a slow, dry wave, I’ll tell him to hang in there. So many times, we’ve been about to go on holiday and the credit card is already maxed out. I’ve always told him to just wait. I think men need that. Faith.
But the best thing about V?
I think the reason why I really fell in love with him (no, it wasn’t just for his shoulders).
Was his mind.
He didn’t know what Beyoncé looked like.
He knew what ashrams looked like.
His angle was often different to mine.
It gave me new ways of seeing things.
Better ways.
I’m sure I gave him better ways too.
But it’s not about tit for tat.
From him, I could learn.
And I’d never felt like that with anyone before V.
Someone who knew more than me about depth. About life. About harshness. About loving someone. About loving yourself.
And I think.
That is the only thing I really needed to fall in love with.
Because that was the base.
Everything else was just fluff.
Xx
K
Are you thinking of Travelling with a Toddler in Cuba? These are the highlights, the advice I didn’t get from elsewhere and wish I knew prior. Overall, I’d highly recommend it, they’re super child friendly and it’s relatively easy.
Any other Q’s, feel free to pop a comment below and I’ll reply when I can.
1. Mosquito repellant – especially if you’re heading beach side.
2. I thought it would rain so I brought gum boots and a waterproof jacket. It didn’t rain. Even once.
3. Room service takes ages, bring snacks and a portable water boiler (if one exists) for formula. I don’t know why they don’t have kettles here.
4. There are fewer vehicles here and they travel slower. We’ve managed a-ok without a car seat.
5. Upon landing (in Havana), there is a child friendly & disabled persons line at customs, it’ll be worth taking.
6. The streets aren’t all cobble, so you can take a stroller or a pram.
7. I’ve brought enough diapers and formula to last us (fingers crossed), would be a bit of a hunt to buy them here.
8. Aru is also on some herbal medicine to protect him from juardia. You can get it from ice, washed lettuce and of course, the swimming pool. Herbario in Chapel Street (Prahran, Melbourne, Australia) is where I get mine from.
9. Whilst five star resorts promise air conditioning, it can fail from time to time. So a shorts-and-tee pyjama set might work.
10. If you like swanky, the AirBnb places in Miramar and Vedado, Havana are pretty awesome. The suburbs are for the creme de la creme of Havana and it means spacious rooms and in Miramar, ensuite after ensuite.
We’ve always found a home / apartment easier than hotel rooms. Everyone gets to hang out in a lounge area while Aru sleeps. Plus you can get your laundry done much cheaper.
11. There are a lot of carbs and sugar in the diet. If your toddler has digestion concerns, try fruit first and carry something for fibre (we boil ajuwain seeds in water, strain and add a little bit of sugar, does the trick if we keep him drinking it regularly).
12. If you like your food spicy, carry chilli flakes!
13. Google Translate, for those of us who don’t speak Spanish, this is gold. Have it downloaded to your phone, you can use it without wifi.
Travelling with a toddler in Cuba is a memory I won’t be forgetting anytime soon!
Adios 🙂
X
I think one of my friends is contemplating divorce.
I felt it intuitively before I was going to meet her. Then when we caught up, she had some seething words to say about her man.
I felt sad inside.
I wondered aloud to V.
What was going on?
What decisions were working in their favour and what decisions weren’t?
What if they had done this instead of that?
Was he always like that?
Of course, I knew I was only hearing one side of the story.
And sometimes I wonder how V and I seem a little steadier.
No arrogance here at all. Simply old fashioned comparison (which isn’t any better, I know). The last time I thought about divorcing V was when I was pregnant with Aru. Nearly 3 years since the thought has sprung into my mind.
I get angry, or frustrated with him on a weekly or fort nightly basis, but when I do, we often come to some sort of a resolution.
So how were we ok?
We had similar troubles.
Life. Money. Mess. Children.
And I said to V.
“Was it that I chose the right man?”
Or
“Was it that we’ve both been doing the work?”
By doing the work, I mean the ongoing counselling.
He replied.
“Both”.
And I think he’s right.
Luck bumped me into the right headspace for at the naive age of 21, how could I possibly have made a very considered choice? I was probably naturally looking for a combination of the two men I admire the most (because you know that when we love our fathers, we find men similar to them?). My papa and my uncle. I have always had great admiration for both.
And the work.
Gosh the work.
We’ve been doing the work for around 6 years now?
Anything between every 8 weeks or every 4 weeks.
I think we don’t realise the changes in us that have played out.
Because it’s so steady over a long period of time, and you keep seeing imperfection that you wonder if the work will ever be done!
But.
I think.
If in some part of you, you innately love the one you’re with.
Then the answer isn’t divorce. At the start at least.
The answer is more learning.
And that boils down to.
Doing the work.
Xx
K
If you find yourself changing diapers at night, or doing earlier than usual wake up calls, I’m here to save your day.
This isn’t my usual post. It’s practical and solution based. Hahahaha.
But trust me, if, and when you know someone who has a toddler and you find they have same issue of wetting through the diaper, you will save them or yourself, a months worth of 5am wake ups. Because that is what it took us. A bloody month.
Why are you changing diapers at night?
Here is the analysis process.
We tried a range of nappies so that Aru wouldn’t pee out the side of his diaper and wake up with wet pyjamas.
Huggies in multiple sizes up, training pants, Bambo and nearly got to Aldi for theirs as well.
We even tried less milk, my poor bubba went from 260mls to 200mls and he howled. But went to sleep.
Even this wouldn’t stop him from waking up at 5am.
We also tried cows milk (Aru is used to goats milk) and formula.
We tested heavier meals, although getting him to eat more was a challenge.
All to no avail.
If you know me, you’ll know how much I love my sleep. This 5am thing wasn’t doing anyone any favours. We asked around, from a sleep consultant to friends and moms.
Finally, a friend of my sisters told me that she put an undie over the diaper to make the diaper stay in place.
I thought to myself, “What are the chances, but at this point, I’ll try anything!”.
And you know what.
It worked.
From 5am wake ups to a sweet 7am.
Technically, the undie holds it all in place, penis as well I presume.
I love him all over again!
I hope this post might save some of us mums some sleep.
Yay for undies!
Xx
K
Some concepts of counselling have been really complex for me to understand. The Ego Self has been one of them. Perhaps I’m not the 100% correct person to explain this, but I feel like maybe if you read a bit here, it might spark something in you as a start to understanding it, or perhaps you will smile and say, “Aha, this girl is learning something finally.”
In a lot of religious text, you can find the word ego everywhere. It’s actually so overused, we’ve probably stopped absorbing its meaning.
So here is a little story.
One day, I’m mad at V, because the housework feels never done and I’m wondering why he’s barely contributing. I feel like its his turn this time, to be “wrong”, so I’m super confident and super mad.
He says to me, “You need a full time job.”
This brings up other issues inside me about not earning the same amount as him and therefore not feeling as important as him. (I know you’re yawning, but bear with me!).
So I have a cry and take a nap.
After I wake up, I am so much more rested.
I explain to him that he needs to help with the housework unless he can afford us a full time maid (I’m playing a game of chess here and I know that he can’t afford it, so he’ll have to stagger back).
He smiles and says, “I don’t think this is so much about the housework Karishma.”
THIS IS THE PART.
WHERE I CAN CHOOSE.
Ego or self.
Where I can explore this new argument, which is going to hurt my ego.
Or, I can retaliate and force him to do more housework.
He goes on to explain.
“The last few weeks, this hasn’t really bothered you. But you’ve been a bit lost since we stopped making the app and you’re noticing these things more. I think something that really occupies your mind is going to benefit you.”
OUCH.
And I think, in this moment, I might be having a better day.
Because I pause to consider.
///
And I think letting go of some ego, is simply that.
Pausing to consider what someone is saying.
Even if it might be hurtful for you to hear, it might feel heavy on your sense of ego.
Simply pause.
Be open to the feedback.
Can I also just note – chances are, your ego is always going to be highly defensive around those who surround you the most often. So don’t think of long lost friends and ego. Think of the everyday fights, with the everyday people.
Shedding the ego,
As visually glorious as it sounds,
To me,
Is simply, pausing to consider.
Xx
K
We had a session lately and at some point in the session, V said: I don’t want this marriage. I’m tired of the demands. I’m tired of doing so much. I don’t want to be expected to do things and fulfill roles.
Sitting next to him, this hurt. To think that my husband didn’t want to be with me and found me demanding. Hurt.
We went through potential examples to seek where I had been demanding and V was struggling to find an example.
However, I’ve done enough sessions with V to know, that this isn’t how he felt long term. It was how he was feeling in the moment.
We looked back upon the last few weeks to find that he’d had a 3 day conference, a day trip to Canberra, a month of pursuing Centrelink for Aru’s rebates, etc etc etc.
V is always switched on.
He rarely misses a phone call.
Rarely cancels a meeting.
Shows up.
And all this showing up, meant he hadn’t had time for himself.
Time for a weekend away.
Time to watch a Bollywood movie.
Time to himself, which isn’t the same as time for Aru and I.
Simply time to himself.
Disconnected from us.
I think we see so much value in connecting, that we don’t see the value in disconnecting.
But there is merit in it.
Because disconnecting, gives us the opportunity to come up for air.
To free our minds from the usual overload of commitments, emails and calls.
It’s the disconnection, that brings us back to being connected.
And so now I know, to encourage him to step away, to book a trip, to take a class, get out of the house and the list goes on.
Because as Kaylene says, “It’s not about tit for tat. It’s about helping each other, because then you’re actually helping yourself.”
I really would love for this to be a moment in your day, when we shift gears. Pause. Ponder.
And get a little more aware of all the feels. xx
I really would love for this to be a moment in your day, when we shift gears. Pause. Ponder.
And get a little more aware of all the feels. xx
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