womanhood

a work in progress

Category: Fatherhood (Page 1 of 6)

It just is.

You can never tick all the boxes.

Git

What life are you running from?
What life do you want? 
 
What am I shining upon you? 
 
 
There is no room for that man in my home. 
 
In my spice box. 
 
In my jewellery jars. 
 
No room for that man in my bed. 
 
No room. 
 
 
 
So go. 
 
Get gone. 
 
To the Himalayas. 
 
To the furtherest point from all of this. 
 
Because. 
 
If you don’t go. 
 
Imma send you there myself. 
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Getting off

Yes.

Where do men get off.

Thinking women are inadequate.

But the sicker thing.

Or the bigger, most disturbing question is…

Where do women get off.

Behaving like they’re less than. Like they matter less. Like their needs are less important.

What are we teaching our sons?

What are we teaching our daughters?

X

From the woman who did this and is still figuring out why she did it and how to clean her mind from the potty state it was in.

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Setting the bar

When I measure my selfworth upon your standards and your approval and your acceptance.It is the most ruthless, cruel and brutal way I can begin to be with myself.

X

K

// 

I’ve started to realise now, how I let people set the bar for me in the past. They probably didn’t do it intentionally. But from parents, to teachers, to men I’ve loved and women I’ve adored. They all had their own standards for things and for some reason,  I wanted to meet their approval, to be good enough for them. For so long.

Now I know. The best thing for me. Is to be good enough for me. 

That’s it. X

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Do children ever heal?

From the ruler.

From the belt.

From the spatula.

From the rolling pin.

From the terror.

From the fear.
Or do they grow into adults.

Who cower in the corner.

Or yell till they reach the end.

Who slam the door, not to win, but to shield.

Or taunt and poke at every turn.

Who can’t control their raging bodies.
We learn different methods of coping.

Different methods of winning.
As if this senselessness is the only way to sail thru.

The thing is.

How much are we changing.

And how much are we passing on?
Xx

K
//
I am not perfect. Trust me. I am NOT. 

For Aru. I seem to want to be. My own anger, moodiness and rage, frightens me. I don’t know why violence is such a massive thing for me. Perhaps this life. Perhaps past lives. 

To raise a man who doesn’t hit his wife, will be a magical thing for me. We’ve got a long way to go. And if this is one thing I can do to help make it happen, manage myself, work with my husband, his father. Then I will do it, the best way I can, the best way I know how. 

Inshallah. 

Xx

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Making Men

We make the men we love.Because the growing never stops.

There is always.

A strong woman somewhere.

In the men we admire the most. 

K
// V and I have moulded a lot since day one. At some point in time, I kept moulding to him. I didn’t think to question, doubt or change him. I accepted him. And I’m not saying that you should accept the men you love. But sometimes, they don’t know how to stack glasses on a dish rack so the water drains, or they don’t know about the gender pay gap. Or they don’t know that they’re being patronising when they’re aiming for loving. And so I feel. 

It is part of my role. As his partner. To simply. Make him aware. And then sit back. And watch the magic of change just go… ding ding ding. 

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Responsibilities 

It’s our responsibility to ask the questions.
X

K
// I always felt I didn’t need to know about the investments, about the money, about the fine lines, about my own health and more. I put this ownice on Vivek. I’m learning now. Everything to do with me and Aru, is my responsibility. And I need to know, I need to be informed. 

Do I wait for you to change?

Do I wait for you to change?

For you to see the light? 

For you to feel the feels? 

For you to freaking realise what you’ve fucking done? 

 

Because all that waiting means forgiveness. 

And I don’t have that. 

I just don’t have that. 

 

I have compromise. 

That is all I have. 

All I owe you. 

Everything I owe him. 

 

So if you don’t. 

We be gone. 

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North

I didn’t know it. But for the longest time, in so many ways, for so many things, you were my compass. 
So much so that our identities started to meld into one. 
And so now a decade later. 
I have no blame for you. 
No victim for me. 
Just taking many moments a day to pause. 
And ask myself. 
Which way is my North. 
X

K

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Non-negotiables

Are there signs everywhere?
Signs alerting us to distress.
To awareness.
My sister kindly nudging me with a warning.
A friend observing our behaviour.
My frustration at the little things.

Were they all warnings?
That thankfully, after a while,
Became seeds to larger thoughts of awareness.
That brought on a tiny little fight,
But one we knew we needed help with.
And I pray. Actually, scrap that, I rarely pray.
I send a message to the universe.
I am grateful.
(Just realised, that might be prayer).
I am grateful.
It was a little fight.

Because we never know what the darkness bring.
My one non-negotiable.
X

K

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