womanhood

a work in progress

Category: Family (Page 2 of 21)

Angst

I don’t think you understand.
What it feels like.
To not know.
When he’ll pounce next.
To leave the home in fear that your baby might not be in safe hands.
To see bulging eyes.
To know that you.
You. 
Are not present.
In that moment.
So far gone.
You could do anything.
And so today.
Like other days.
I hold my shit together.
He cries in my arms.
But what if.
What if tomorrow.
I rile up?
What if tomorrow he hits you?
Then what you gone do?
With all that angst?
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Anti

Sometimes.I just don’t get most of the rest of the population. Like a WHOLE HEAP OF OTHER WEIRD DUMB ASS PEOPLE. 
I just don’t get sexist jokes.

I just don’t get wankery.
I just don’t get people who play to the same fucking tune. 

Seeking change yet unwilling to change. 
I’ve had business men who won’t even reply to my messages (multiple) but when V gives them a missed call, they’re like jumping out of their pants. 

I’ve met men who can talk to V and I about business, a joint business venture and they won’t look me in the eye. 

I’ve met men who ask me about my career, then the moment they realise I’m delighted with what I do, they exit the conversation. I’m like HOLLA, I’m just getting started. 

I just don’t get people who see women as less or not even on the page. 

They make me sick to my stomach and my tolerance is getting down to negative zilch as I age.
Get off my porch. 

Out of my life. 
Don’t even take up a freaking whatsapp message of MB space in my beautiful, bountiful mind. 
DELETE. 
I WILL NOT TOLERATE THAT SHIT WITH SILENCE. 

AND QUITE FRANKLY, YOU SHOULDN’T EITHER. 
X

K

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Setting the bar

When I measure my selfworth upon your standards and your approval and your acceptance.It is the most ruthless, cruel and brutal way I can begin to be with myself.

X

K

// 

I’ve started to realise now, how I let people set the bar for me in the past. They probably didn’t do it intentionally. But from parents, to teachers, to men I’ve loved and women I’ve adored. They all had their own standards for things and for some reason,  I wanted to meet their approval, to be good enough for them. For so long.

Now I know. The best thing for me. Is to be good enough for me. 

That’s it. X

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Dear Aru, (end of March, 2017)

You are my barometer. 
Yesterday and today, I didn’t want to be around you. 

I wanted a break. 
But why? 

You’ve been at daycare most of the week! 

Your dad is here to help. 

So why. 
Don’t I want to be with you? 

I feel like you steal time away from me. 

Steal opportunities from me. 

Steal peace from me. 
To browse a store. 

To capture a moment in a gallery. 

To be at peace, flicking a page in a novel. 
Darling Aru. 
I know now.

As I learn over and over and over again. 
These are simply things. 
I have not given myself. 

And I really truly need to. 
Prioritise them. 
So I can come home to you. 
Xx

K

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Do children ever heal?

From the ruler.

From the belt.

From the spatula.

From the rolling pin.

From the terror.

From the fear.
Or do they grow into adults.

Who cower in the corner.

Or yell till they reach the end.

Who slam the door, not to win, but to shield.

Or taunt and poke at every turn.

Who can’t control their raging bodies.
We learn different methods of coping.

Different methods of winning.
As if this senselessness is the only way to sail thru.

The thing is.

How much are we changing.

And how much are we passing on?
Xx

K
//
I am not perfect. Trust me. I am NOT. 

For Aru. I seem to want to be. My own anger, moodiness and rage, frightens me. I don’t know why violence is such a massive thing for me. Perhaps this life. Perhaps past lives. 

To raise a man who doesn’t hit his wife, will be a magical thing for me. We’ve got a long way to go. And if this is one thing I can do to help make it happen, manage myself, work with my husband, his father. Then I will do it, the best way I can, the best way I know how. 

Inshallah. 

Xx

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Vengeful 

One day. 
I too will twist your insides and watch them burn. 
Hurt you where it hurts the most. 
Stab the ego where once the heart said, “don’t please don’t”. 
I too will. 
Take control of something you love. 
Because you might be in a window of time where what you own isn’t yours. 
I too will hold what you need prisoner. 
One day. 
I will break you. 
Just like did me. 
Ruthlessly. 

Humiliatingly. 
And your tears of shame. 

Will release me. 
From this moment. 
//
I never thought I was the revenge type of person. But there was a moment. It’s long gone now. But it was there. In that moment. 
Xx

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Responsibilities 

It’s our responsibility to ask the questions.
X

K
// I always felt I didn’t need to know about the investments, about the money, about the fine lines, about my own health and more. I put this ownice on Vivek. I’m learning now. Everything to do with me and Aru, is my responsibility. And I need to know, I need to be informed. 

Do I wait for you to change?

Do I wait for you to change?

For you to see the light? 

For you to feel the feels? 

For you to freaking realise what you’ve fucking done? 

 

Because all that waiting means forgiveness. 

And I don’t have that. 

I just don’t have that. 

 

I have compromise. 

That is all I have. 

All I owe you. 

Everything I owe him. 

 

So if you don’t. 

We be gone. 

Anew

You’ve come back and your love is anew. 

I’m wondering. 

What happened out there? 

In the silence and in the forests, 

What happened? 

Who is this man who wants to massage my legs? 

Who realises that he’s coming from a place of fear before I can start the discussion? 

Who is this man who helps so much? 

I thought you had gone to find you? 

But maybe you found us? 

It is a delight to have you home. 

With roses and stir fries. 

Welcome home. 

Let us celebrate. 

Revel in our differences this time around. 

Because they seem to make us each better than we were before. 

X

K

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Never needing permission

What life would you be living, if you didn’t need someone else’s approval. 
For what you studied. 

For how much money you made. 

For how many nights you went out. 

For which bags you bought. 

For the food you ate. 

For the tidiness you kept. 

For what you did during the day. 
If you took a pen a paper and thought. 
IF NO-ONE ELSE MATTERED

WHAT WOULD I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. 
Would I want to travel and live overseas for a couple of years? 

Would I have a bottle of coke every now and then? 

Would I buy a $1000 dress instead of 5 $200 ones? 

Would I change my career to something which offered less OR more money? 

Would I buy an apartment instead of a house? 

Would I wear huge earrings and bright pink shoes? 
WHO WOULD I BE IF YOUR THOUGHTS WEREN’T IN MY HEAD? 
For every daughter. 

For every wife. 
Let us stop living for their approval and based on their permission. 

Let us believe in our own concepts of life and lifestyle and find the mid-way ground or the no-tolerance ground if it is what you truly believe in. 
XX

K – still finding her way. 

Page 2 of 21

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