Most of you who know me, know that I am often tired.
I’ll yawn at 10am meetings.
I often take naps in the day.
I’m in bed by 9:30pm.
I’m simply tired.
It’s been a real battle.
Especially with a toddler.
Once I met a woman at a park, she looked incredible and had 4 children.
I asked her how, she replied with one word: fitness.
So I tried to practise yoga and go for walks (running is bad for you (something about muscle mass that I can’t explain) and that works fine for me).
I worked with a LOVELY nutritionist to help me unravel my thyroid, Dr. Jenny (she’s with Dr. Libby and you’ll find her details on my resources page).
I modified my diet to be mostly gluten free, as dairy free was realistic for me (I can never say no to cheese) and I’m a vegetarian, so I had a lot of things on track – though obviously, a higher carb intake than protein, so I have eggs.
But still, I felt better, but not quite 100%. I needed the naps.
Then, about 2 weeks ago, I had a session with Jenny.
What she said, blew me away.
She said it so simply.
“Do you have a lot of loose thoughts running around in your head?”
I thought, HECK YES.
And now that I’m a mother, it’s only become more intense.
We worked around plans to help me tackle the thoughts (and HONEY, I already meditate just about daily).
Then she said, “As a mother, your whole world has changed, your career has changed and everything is new”.
And even though I’m nearly 2 years into motherhood, she was damn right.
In short to that one – I need more structure and a single sense of purpose. NOT related to Aru.
A sense of purpose PURELY for me.
Of course, I know innately, it is this.
Writing. Honesty. Pouring. Unravelling. This is home.
I asked her my biggest fear.
What if my sense of purpose overrides my motherhood?
She said it so simply, “It can’t”. Perhaps she was saying it specific to me because she knows me.
Or perhaps she knew it inside her bones.
But that truth. A simple truth.
It dawned on me.
However far I travel, however many nights I stay away from Aru, however many hours he is at daycare, are all irrelevant.
Because the heart wants what the heart wants.
And while I might enjoy the first few hours or the first couple of days in his absence, we’ll always be drawn.
Each to the other.
Some days in a tangle.
Some days in a tango.
Some days like the tide to the beach.
Like bees to honey.
We are tied in a way we know not.
And nothing stops that feeling.
It just grows with every moment, together AND apart.
And I just want you to know.
My dearest friend.
That ever since I’ve started working on me,
I haven’t needed a single day nap.