A Truth Bomb,
As my friend calls it.
This is no place for dishonesty.
So let me lay it out there.
For you women.
Who take my good with my bad.
I never wanted a child per say.
It was the done thing.
I did it.
Never really knowing what it might entail.
What has transpired from that, is a real journey.
Moments of never fully unleashing any regrets, but also moments of not loving this whole scene of baby smell and whining at all.
Being unsure if this is my path.
Or if I just let it happen.
I honour and admire my mother.
Who passed no judgement at all upon these emotions.
She has let me feel.
That it is simply ok.
How you feel.
I’m better now.
I have Kholo.
Which is for me.
And I have found my peace, at least for now, in the role I play in Aru’s life.
I have found my delight.
So moving on from children.
I am vulnerable.
To heights of emotions.
To a charged sexuality when it comes to other men.
Outside of the love bonds.
Outside of the contract.
Outside of the need to have and to hold.
And I don’t know what that means.
Don’t know how to break it down.
How to FIX it.
But I’m learning now.
I’m not the only one.
And of course, that makes me feel better.
For now I’m a prisoner just as much as a thriving flower.
In my own garden of Eden.