Hey little Buddha, 

Today you really did me in. 

All that whining and all that hair pulling, your nails uncut, cuts on my cheeks. 

We went from sago sauté to blueberries and raspberries. 

You pushed and pulled, from banana to paneer. 

There was nothing to fill your little tummy quite right. 

And I put everything on pause. 

Told myself to slow down. 

But it wasn’t enough. 

You were crying on the lime washed floors. 

I dread the evenings some days. No wait, let me specific. It is the dusk. That time, from 5pm till 6:30pm. Some days it can start as early as 4. When mealtime comes and you resist filling your tummy. 

I wouldn’t mind Buddha, I really wouldn’t. If you didn’t want to eat. 

It’s just that you’re like your Mamma that way. 

Hungry + Angry. For you my Buddha, it always equals Hangry. 
Buddha, I would be lying to say today was happiness. 

It wasn’t. 

Today was a bit of dread, mixed with a bit of struggle and then ending now, in a dash of sorrow. 

And I can see your Papa’s big, brown eyes. 

Filled with concern. 

Why isn’t my Karishma happy? 

This is motherhood, doesn’t she want it? 

Would it be a lie to say she always wants it? 
Of course little Buddha. Of course. 

Maybe we broke society a long time ago. 

Maybe we needed the mother-in-laws and the mothers and the brother-in-laws and the sisters to make it through the day. 

Because sweetie, for now, I just can’t seem to make it through the day. 
Hopefully, tomorrow is a new day. 

We’ll try lentil curry, gravy and soup.

Yes, perhaps that’ll do the trick. 

But for now, I’ll let these tears fall. 

Because only when they fall, will I make room for hope.
Xx Your Mamma.