I wrote a post a long, long time ago about one of the lesser spoken events of our marriage, a time when V & I were enraged and we had a massive fight and I told him to hit me and he did. I didn’t go into much detail, but this is one of those experiences which has taught me much about myself and about him as well.
This post isn’t so much about the hit, it’s about something that I’ve learnt about myself. Something which is almost an aside but essential.
It was a week where we had family over and I was struggling to cope. Late nights, a messy kitchen, constant conversations, just the ordinary drum roll of spending time with family, better described as chaos. I didn’t know at the time that I was pregnant. I also didn’t know how hangry I could get, how much the constant self-sacrifice was putting a toll on my happiness.
I went through the motions, making tea, doing the dishes, playing catch up and barely coping with the exhaustion. In retrospect, I don’t blame anyone. I needed to back away, I needed to throw my hands up in the air and say I can’t keep up, I needed to Ask. For. Help. But I didn’t. I thought being self-sufficient and giving was the most amazing and incredible thing to do.
I was so freaking wrong.
The pressure just built. I got mad. Said some nasty things. V got mad. I didn’t realise at the time, but he was doing all of the above as well. He said some nasty things and boom. Shit happened.
I took the soonest flight out.
After a week of intensive counselling and constant crying, I was ready to come back and make a call on the whole she-bang. We committed to some heavy duty counselling for the following months and unravelled things to understand why. To know each other better. And of course for me to make the choice – victim, divorcee or in my case, woman with an exit strategy. It can’t be summarised in a post and maybe one day, I’ll find the words to write about it.
But for now, my story continues.
Once I got back home, my father-in-law and I had a chat.
He explained to me, something that would change me forever.
When we do things we don’t genuinely want to do, the energy of us comes through. We might think other people aren’t really seeing it, but they feel it. Especially on a subconscious level.
And just like that, a flick was switched.
I try these days to be a lot more true to who I innately am. If I see you, if I write this, if I baked, if I watered the garden, if I returned your call, if I spent time with you, it was simply because I genuinely wanted to.
No obligations. No pretending to be good. No wanting approval. No underlying expectations.
I am much closer to whom I simply want to be.
If you’re pushing yourself to be someone for others, I would urge you to reconsider a little. Find the room in your heart to put yourself first. Not because it is selfish. But because it keeps you happy, healthy and mostly because it then converts your vibes to 100% super good. Once you’ve loved yourself, there is a whole heap more room for others, in the truest way. In the most authentic way.