womanhood

a work in progress

Author: karishma (Page 2 of 56)

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Dear Aru (mid March, 2017),

You are my barometer.
Yesterday and today, I didn’t want to be around you.
I wanted a break.

But why?
You’ve been at daycare most of the week!
Your dad is here to help.
So why.

Don’t I want to be with you?
I feel like you steal time away from me.
Steal opportunities from me.
Steal peace from me.

To browse a store.
To capture a moment in a gallery.
To be at peace, flicking a page in a novel.

Darling Aru.

I know now.
As I learn over and over and over again.

These are simply things.

I have not given myself.
And I really truly need to.

Prioritise them.

So I can come home to you.

Xx
K

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How To Unravel

If you’re ever lost in the windmills of your mind.
It may serve, to take a lonely drive.
Away from home.
Away from the kids.
Away from the people.

And put your phone to the side.
Close the ipad.

Order a takeaway from your favourite Thai place.
Then sit in the car.

And eat it.
With complete network silence.

You’d be surprise how you begin to unravel with every bite of tofu.

X
K

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On Making Art

I don’t know how you find yourself.
After you dive so deep.
How to take your feet out of the water, when your head is so deeply in.

Its like telling your body to stop falling in love when you are already in love.
Like telling a woman to stop giving birth in her final few moments.
You just don’t stop.

Running this kholo business has made me feel like that.
How do I stop dreaming about it every night?
How do I stop running to thoughts of it every morning?

I have to remind myself.
Balance. Balance. Balance.
Everything in balance Karishma.
But it’s so hard.

When I all I want to do is fall hard.
Tumble deep.
And have my lungs filled with the soulfulness of making art.

That finally.
Art that I love.
And art that women are more than willing to buy.
Hungry to buy.
Hungry to love.
Hungry to breathe in. To.

Finally.
I am alive.

X
K

It just is.

You can never tick all the boxes.

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Going around in circles

Life seems to me.

To be cyclical.

Learn what you need to learn, or it’ll go full circle, only to push you back to learn what you resisted the last time around.

So when you complain about something.

Ask yourself,

Have I complained about this before?

Make complaining twice a sin.

Make making change the solution.

X

K

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Raised

I wonder.
How to find more women who raise you.

And how to walk away from those who don’t.
X
K

Eden

A Truth Bomb, 

As my friend calls it. 

This is no place for dishonesty. 

So let me lay it out there. 

For you women. 

You readers. 

Who take my good with my bad. 
I never wanted a child per say. 

It was the done thing. 

I did it. 

Never really knowing what it might entail. 
What has transpired from that, is a real journey. 

Moments of never fully unleashing any regrets, but also moments of not loving this whole scene of baby smell and whining at all. 

Being unsure if this is my path. 

Or if I just let it happen. 
I honour and admire my mother. 

Who passed no judgement at all upon these emotions. 

She has let me feel. 

That it is simply ok. 

To feel.

How you feel. 
I’m better now. 

I have Kholo. 

Which is for me.

A making. 

 

And I have found my peace, at least for now, in the role I play in Aru’s life. 

I have found my delight. 
So moving on from children. 

I am vulnerable. 

To heights of emotions. 

To a charged sexuality when it comes to other men. 

Outside of the love bonds. 

Outside of the contract. 

Outside of the need to have and to hold. 
And I don’t know what that means. 

Don’t know how to break it down. 

How to FIX it. 
But I’m learning now. 
I’m not the only one. 

And of course, that makes me feel better. 
But. 

For now I’m a prisoner just as much as a thriving flower. 

In my own garden of Eden. 
X

K

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On FIYAH

When did I loose my voice?

My raging fire?

When did I decide to walk away, instead of fight.

Instead of saying, “HEY, STOP”.

I got so sick of you.

All of you.

Barrage after barrage.

Words that never stop.

Each trying to win the argument.

Thinking my silence would at least end the pain.

If it wouldn’t find a space of peace.

But you know what.

Now I say fuck it.

Fuck the peace.

I will say my part.

Firmly and truely.

Even if it hurts you to hear it.

Fuck the peace and fuck you.

Because you had this shit coming a long way back.

K

 

PS – So sorry for all the swears in this one. I was truly angry in that moment in time and I guess if there are no swears, it doesn’t feel true for me. I can’t feel that rage. Because that is how I express my rage.

 

Git

What life are you running from?
What life do you want? 
 
What am I shining upon you? 
 
 
There is no room for that man in my home. 
 
In my spice box. 
 
In my jewellery jars. 
 
No room for that man in my bed. 
 
No room. 
 
 
 
So go. 
 
Get gone. 
 
To the Himalayas. 
 
To the furtherest point from all of this. 
 
Because. 
 
If you don’t go. 
 
Imma send you there myself. 
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You. You. You.

How do you find the light?

How do you find the change?

How do you get heard?

How do you create a love you want to be true?

All.

All.

All.

It all.

Starts with you.

With your love.

With your pleasure.

Focus on it KK.

And don’t forget.

X

K

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