womanhood

a work in progress

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Checked Out

I need you less.
Want you less.
With every step that I take further away from you.

With every check in, every boarding pass.
Every time I move an hour forward in time.
You are less to me.

As if a figment of time.
That perhaps never really happened.
Perhaps all those things I never really said.

So.
For now.
Home is where my boys are.

X
K

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From Here On In

From here on in.
I will scratch your name.
Off off everything we are.

I will start anew.
Seperate from you.

Ready for the day.
Ready for each day.

Where you treat me seperate from you.

This is not love you fool.
This is not love.

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Burnt

You don’t deserve this everyday wonderful.
Because you are broken inside.

Because you can’t let go.

Because you can’t be a man.
Shadowed by past and tribe.

You don’t deserve this woman.
This refreshingly, gifted, incredible woman.
Who seeks change and makes anew.

Oh no.
She isn’t yours.

Once in your palms.
Watch her slip away.

This is no love.
No way to love.

You didn’t learn.
So the only way now.
Is to burn.

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Schooled

I’d just like to take a moment.
To thank my husband Vivek.
For preventing me from becoming a man-hater.
For listening to my distaste in men, distrust in men, disgust even, in men.

And then pausing, to give me the potential other side of the story.
For reminding me that I married someone very similar to these men I so despise.

It’s simply that.
We’ve travelled a journey which has changed him and I.

And men are often whom they are,
Because they weren’t educated otherwise.

So.
MY WOMEN IN THE HOUSE.
PLEASE TAKE ON THIS ROLE.

Teach a man.
He doesn’t own you.
He doesn’t own your money.
He doesn’t own the surnames of your children.
He doesn’t own the style of your skirt.
He doesn’t own the sway of your hips.
He doesn’t own the food you have when you go out to dinner.
He doesn’t own your career.
He doesn’t own the relationships you have with your friends and family.
He doesn’t own the jewels you buy, or those that he gifts you.
He doesn’t own the right to tell you when to be home.
He doesn’t own a single inch of you.
Not an inch.

 

And it’s your role, to lock this shit into place.

To cause an uproar.

To fight the fight, be it little or large.

Stand up for what means something to you.

Live a life on your terms and not his.
Because if you keep playing the victim,
Don’t you dare go blaming a wasted life on him.

X
K

Ordinary

Being at ease in the ordinary-ness enables you to tap into the extra-ordinary-ness of yourself.

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The Affair

I heard a song that reminded me of you, the other day.
A song about shooting stars.

I remember the day I told you, “I could really use a wish right now”.

And I’m glad.
You weren’t there.
You couldn’t show up.
You didn’t.
In that moment.

I’m glad.
Because it made everything clear to me.
About this.

And now I wonder.
Who was that woman.
Needing so much from a man?
Needing a sense of fulfilment from another man?
Needing to feel complete, thinking that you could make me.

Complete?

X
K

You Can’t Control Tomorrow

Hey Karishma,

Don’t step too far into the future.

Take each day, each hurdle as it comes.

Just as you promised yourself with Aru, you’d manage every problem as it came. You couldn’t anticipate all that could come. You’d do your best to be overall, but if it came, you’d be awake to it, alert to it and seek help.

Same thing with this.

You can’t foresee everything.

All the pitfalls, the bad experiences, the hurt.

You can’t save yourself from it all.

So just take each little trouble as it comes.

Solve and resolve.

But darling Karishma.

Don’t spend all your today’s moments dwelling in tomorrow unforseen problems.

You have no control over what will come.

Just do your best today.

And trust that tomorrow will be nothing short of awesome.

Be it awesome laughter and delight.

Or awesome learnings.

X

K

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perhaps the thing is. 

that you’ve been loving yourself for so long.

you don’t know what it means to love another.
to break for another.
to fall for another.
to shed for another.
to warm for another.
to give for another.
to just.
be.
for another.

Highlights All Day

Are we expecting everything to be an instagram moment?

No seriously, because for like a year in my life – I was.
And I couldn’t figure out why none of the boxes I’d ticked were making me.

Happy enough.

X

K

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Dear Aru (mid March, 2017),

You are my barometer.
Yesterday and today, I didn’t want to be around you.
I wanted a break.

But why?
You’ve been at daycare most of the week!
Your dad is here to help.
So why.

Don’t I want to be with you?
I feel like you steal time away from me.
Steal opportunities from me.
Steal peace from me.

To browse a store.
To capture a moment in a gallery.
To be at peace, flicking a page in a novel.

Darling Aru.

I know now.
As I learn over and over and over again.

These are simply things.

I have not given myself.
And I really truly need to.

Prioritise them.

So I can come home to you.

Xx
K

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