womanhood

a work in progress

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North

I didn’t know it. But for the longest time, in so many ways, for so many things, you were my compass. 
So much so that our identities started to meld into one. 
And so now a decade later. 
I have no blame for you. 
No victim for me. 
Just taking many moments a day to pause. 
And ask myself. 
Which way is my North. 
X

K

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An Honest Look At My Motherhood

I have never been one of those mothers. 
The craft + boiled carrots + stay at home type. 
I tried and I couldn’t. 
In some ways, I went from having meetings with a woman who had won Telstra Business Woman of the Year Award. 

To wiping shit. 

Literally. 
And I would look at other mothers, hear about them on the radio, read articles about them and wonder. 

How they do it. 
How do they happily do it. 

Day in and day out. 
And to be honest, I think I’ll be wondering forever. 

If I don’t start to feel ok with whom I am. 
And accepting that I’m simply different. 

And that is perfectly ok. 
X

K

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This everything yet nothing.

Sometimes. Actually most of the time. 
The hardest thing to hear is yourself. 

Your insides. 
Amidst all this. 

A barrage of your senses and an assault of your mind. 

This everything. 
X

K

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Simple

We simply. Cannot be. 

Friends. 
If you don’t go deep. 
X

K

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Fighting with your parents

I think you reach your 30s and you start to realise your parents are human. They mess things up. They can’t fix everything. They can’t do things the way you expect them to be done. 
And suddenly, you feel like they’ve failed you. 
But really. 

They’ve been who they are all along. 
It’s just you who is changing. 
When you were little, they could predict the future. 

They could tell you when you’d trip and fall. 

They could tell you when the ice cream would make you sick. 

They could tell you which of your friends wasn’t the best influence. 

They could protect you from it all.
So you started to feel like they knew it all. 

They were on the pedestal. 

They had the foresight. 

They must be super human. 

Perfect almost. 
So you start to see them in that light. 
Then as you get older. 

Suddenly, who they are doesn’t sit right with you anymore. 

You feel like they’re letting you down. 
Of course they are. 

Because you’ve changed. 

We all change. 
We marry different people who change us. 

We meet new people at work who introduce us to new ideas. 

We read about new theories and new arguments. 

We are in flux. 
But sweetheart. 

They are who they are, because they figured themselves out long before. 

Minor adjustments here and there, but overall, they know where they stand.  
So you can make a choice. 

You can omit them. Hurt them. Unlove them. 

For not living up to your standards. 
Or you can accept them. 

And realise, you lived a childhood that wasn’t up to their adult standards. 

And they stood by you. 
For the messy, late, uncontrollable, crazy little person you were (insert Aru on a challenging day here). 

And for the drunk, irresponsible, obstinate, arrogant teen that you were (insert argument with my Dad about 2 bottles of beer here). 

And for the betraying, selfish, expectant adult you’ve become (insert fight with my mum here). 
I’m saying all these things, because I know – we all have days, when we are some of these things. I AM SOME OF THESE THINGS. 
But I can love better. 

When I realise. 
They are who they are. 

And I choose love. 
Over a lifetime lost. 
X

K

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The Trained Introvert

I used to be quiet. I used to cry every day that I had to attend kindergarten, probably for months. My dad sent the driver with a big ruler in the boot to ensure I wasn’t to come back home in the car, but to get out of the car instead. 

I didn’t like parties or functions. 
Then at some point, it dawned on me. 

That perhaps, to be popular. 

You needed to smile and laugh and socialise. 

Perhaps to be loved among your peers and respected, 

You needed to turn on the charm and dial out the right details. 

Perhaps. 
And so I did. 

I got the popularity. 

I got the 500+ on Facebook. 

I got the “friends”. 
///
But I stopped being who I innately was. 

I lost all that for this falsehood. 
And truth is. 

I don’t really want the 500. I just want the 5. 

And the truth is. 

I don’t want to pretend anymore. 
I’d rather be me. 

Private. Quiet. 
But happy to be in the sun

With the right person. 
Instead of the 100 wrong ones. 
X

K

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Are You Tired? 

There could be 100 reasons why. 
But try turning off the wifi and the data for a day. 

And see if your brain feels better for it. 

For the chance to breathe. 

Pause. 
A chance to 
Un-think. 

Stop-think. 
X

K

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Hey honey, Something isn’t right here. 

It’s scary being in a marriage when you know your partner (if for a moment), was controlling. Were you that woman who allowed it? 

Because you ADORE, ADMIRE and perceive yourself as a STRONG WOMAN. 
But your right ankle rolled. 

And you looked it up in a book by Inna Segal. 

And there was a lot to it. 

But one line that struck you was about a controlling authority figure in your life. 

And you couldn’t see. 

That it might have been him. 
Things done his way because you feared his disappointment. 

Words spoken eloquently to achieve the right outcome. 

Requests put on hold for the right moment of acquiesce. 
You always put yourself in the same boat as Michelle Obama. 

Just as strong. 

Just as loved. 
But while you were so busy watching her in that plum red coat. 

You couldn’t pause to look at yourself. 

To observe the decisions you were making for all the wrong reasons. 
So your ankle started getting ready. 

It was just an accident waiting in the wings. 
To let you know. 

Hey honey, 

Something isn’t right here. 
X

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A note of caution

V and I have been through some interesting marriage realisations lately. 
So if you’re reading the posts and hoping we’re ok – we are. 

We basically realised we were stuck in a loop. 

He developed a superiority complex and I developed an inferiority complex. 

Together, it was so complimentary, it was nuts. 

Each was feeding off the other. 

You really do get what you give out to the universe. 
Till one day V was like, she’s too dependant on me. 

And I was like, he’s too controlling. 
And since then, we’ve been unravelling. 

Loosening the bolts. 

Readjusting the hinges. 
Kind of finding our zen again. 
We’re not quite there yet.
I need to hear my soul for me to get there. 
So if you’re reading some posts that have you worried – just know, they were a month ago, we’re processing and all is well (mostly!). And you’ll find this journey marked in “The Sexes” category, in case you want to know how it’s all falling into place or out of place 🙂
X hugs, 

K

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Are you listening? 

Your body is telling you things. But are you listening to what it’s saying? 
It’s saying what your soul has been saying from long before. 

But your soul can’t seem to get through to you. 
So it’s using a physical sign you can’t deny exists. 

You can’t suppress it. 
But. 

Are you listening? 
X

K

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