womanhood

a work in progress

Zones

The magic never happens in your comfort zone. 

X

K

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Making Men

We make the men we love.Because the growing never stops.

There is always.

A strong woman somewhere.

In the men we admire the most. 

K
// V and I have moulded a lot since day one. At some point in time, I kept moulding to him. I didn’t think to question, doubt or change him. I accepted him. And I’m not saying that you should accept the men you love. But sometimes, they don’t know how to stack glasses on a dish rack so the water drains, or they don’t know about the gender pay gap. Or they don’t know that they’re being patronising when they’re aiming for loving. And so I feel. 

It is part of my role. As his partner. To simply. Make him aware. And then sit back. And watch the magic of change just go… ding ding ding. 

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A good place to be

Sometimes we push through envelopes of life that make us uncomfortable, that push us, challenges us and even make us feel small. But feeling small is good for us. 

It makes us question who we are. 

And if need be, reflect and refine. 

X
K

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Desires

At what point did my own desires have no meaning to me? To the point where I couldn’t
Be. 

Bothered.

To make them happen. 
Xx

K
// I realised, at some point. I’d stopped going to concerts. Stopped watching movies at the cinema. Stopped having chocolate milkshakes. I stopped doing the things I loved. And in so many ways, it made life meaningless. To the point where I asked myself, 

What the fuck am I even looking forward to today?

So I guess now, I’m making my day worth waking up for. 

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Responsibilities 

It’s our responsibility to ask the questions.
X

K
// I always felt I didn’t need to know about the investments, about the money, about the fine lines, about my own health and more. I put this ownice on Vivek. I’m learning now. Everything to do with me and Aru, is my responsibility. And I need to know, I need to be informed. 

My Dearest Aru (late Feb, 2017),

There was a time in our lives. 

When for a week or two, 

It was just, 

Me & you. 

And on a dark Friday, 

You had a febrile seizure. 

I’d never seen a seizure before. 

I thought you could die. 

Or get brain damage. 

It was the most horrifying experience I’d ever been through. 

Watching your body loose control, 

Your eyes peering at me in confusion as if to say, 

“Why is this happening Maa?”. 

I caught you trembling, your eyes dilating. 

Beseeching my sister, “What do I do D?”. 

After you stopped trembling, my whole body started. 

  1. 111. 000. 999. 
  2. I didn’t know the number to make the fucking call. 

Finally it went through. 

You were breathing. 

You were breathing. 

You were breathing. 

8 minutes for the paramedics. 

But the worst was over after that. 

But I was anew. 

Wedded to you in a different way. 

Melded even. 

And in that fucking moment. 

I knew. 

I knew that even if I never really understood the word “love”. 

If I ever doubted that I loved you. 

That I truly loved you and wanted you in my life. 

THAT WAS BULLSHIT. 

I loved you, breathed you from my deepest insides. 

For now, there is a seamless thread in our lives. 

You begin where I end. 

As if that cord was never cut. 

So my dearest Aru. 

Don’t you dare go trying to die on me. 

Because it really might just be the death of me. 

X

K

Alive

Kholo keeps my soul alive. 

It keeps my eyes wide. 

Seeking, searching. 

It keeps me alive. 

I cannot wait to show you. 

The silks. 

The embroidery. 

I’m so nervous to share it –

What if it gets copied in a day? 

And I’m still scrambling to make the photoshoot happen?

Each little move to expose makes me nervous. 

I’ve barely done an instagram feed because I’m like… 

What if it isn’t on point? 

I don’t think I’ve ever feared getting it wrong, the way I’m fearing it now. 

But. 

As a friend of mine said. 

Scared is a good place to be. 

So. 

I guess all that’s left. 

Is to leap. 

X

K

Do I wait for you to change?

Do I wait for you to change?

For you to see the light? 

For you to feel the feels? 

For you to freaking realise what you’ve fucking done? 

 

Because all that waiting means forgiveness. 

And I don’t have that. 

I just don’t have that. 

 

I have compromise. 

That is all I have. 

All I owe you. 

Everything I owe him. 

 

So if you don’t. 

We be gone. 

Anew

You’ve come back and your love is anew. 

I’m wondering. 

What happened out there? 

In the silence and in the forests, 

What happened? 

Who is this man who wants to massage my legs? 

Who realises that he’s coming from a place of fear before I can start the discussion? 

Who is this man who helps so much? 

I thought you had gone to find you? 

But maybe you found us? 

It is a delight to have you home. 

With roses and stir fries. 

Welcome home. 

Let us celebrate. 

Revel in our differences this time around. 

Because they seem to make us each better than we were before. 

X

K

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Never needing permission

What life would you be living, if you didn’t need someone else’s approval. 
For what you studied. 

For how much money you made. 

For how many nights you went out. 

For which bags you bought. 

For the food you ate. 

For the tidiness you kept. 

For what you did during the day. 
If you took a pen a paper and thought. 
IF NO-ONE ELSE MATTERED

WHAT WOULD I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. 
Would I want to travel and live overseas for a couple of years? 

Would I have a bottle of coke every now and then? 

Would I buy a $1000 dress instead of 5 $200 ones? 

Would I change my career to something which offered less OR more money? 

Would I buy an apartment instead of a house? 

Would I wear huge earrings and bright pink shoes? 
WHO WOULD I BE IF YOUR THOUGHTS WEREN’T IN MY HEAD? 
For every daughter. 

For every wife. 
Let us stop living for their approval and based on their permission. 

Let us believe in our own concepts of life and lifestyle and find the mid-way ground or the no-tolerance ground if it is what you truly believe in. 
XX

K – still finding her way. 

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