womanhood

a work in progress

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Holding Off

I’m on vacation and I’ve got two sisters helping me with Aru, plus my Dad and V. But somehow, I still found myself not really wanting to be around him.

V said to me, “It’s like you’re comparing your old life to your new life.”
Travelling without Aru vs. travelling with him.

And he was right.

Everything I can do without him.

Go for a swim without having to hold him.
Take photos without rushing because he’s calling.
Eating food whenever I want and not thinking about his bed time.

The solo life.

And we realised.

All the while, I’d kept holding off the things I wanted to do.
Imagine being in Cuba and holding off everything you want to do.
Thinking, I’ll do it tomorrow or when we’re back, or another time.

But.

I can’t fill his cup until I fill mine.

So yesterday.

I took a swim in the ocean alone.
I took a yoga class on Caribbean sands (sorry, but it felt so exotic to say it, I just had to – eeeeeekkkkk!).
I did a merengue at the pool side.

And when the day was done.

My cup was full.
And I had love.
For my little Aru.

Xx

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Hey you. 

Should she stay or should she go. 
Because she doesn’t know how to be. 

In that moment when you don’t give her a choice. 

When she fears your body, your hands, your palms. 

She doesn’t know how to be. 
And she sees her little boy watching. 

Eyes wide. 

He knows. 

He knows. 

One day, he’ll look at you with the same eyes. 

Wide eyes. 

And return to you the same words you said to her. 

And it will be the saddest revenge. 
X

K

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Feeding The Ego

Yesterday we were talking about “what fills up my time”. 
I have many, many things that do. 

Dishes. Aru. Rug selection. Ramen noodles. Trip bookings. Etc. 
But none of those things. 

Feed my inner ego. 
For some people, it’s kudos. 

For some it’s money. 

For some it’s love. 
For me? 

It’s probably money and kudos. 
Lot’s of it. 
I think outside of meeting basic needs. 

Feeding the ego is probably first up. 
I’ve been wasting so much time on Instagram and my Promotions tab in Gmail. 

I know it’s because I’m not truly satisfied. 
Although my Stella Adidas tights do come quite close.. 
So – next pursuits?! Feed the ego for me 🙂 I just need to find out how!
Xx

K

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Intuition

I used to always run things by Vivek. 
Just about everything. 
And very recently, I realised. 

He’s not always right about everything. 
I’ve got a sense of intuition of my own. 

And when I get angry, frustrated or loose my patience. 

It’s for a reason and something needs to change. 
Not at V’s pace (unless it’s something relevant to him).

At mine. 
And he recently learnt the same thing as well. 

We’re like guides to each other. 

But never determining the path for each other. 
Xx

K

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So Sick (Of You)

So we’ve had about 2 weeks of sick Aru and a week of sick Vivek. 
I’m not much of a nurse on an average day, so you can imagine what 2 weeks of nursing has made of me. 
I didn’t want to put Aru in daycare with his nose endlessly running and a routine that wouldn’t fit in his extra nap needs. 
So. It’s been mostly Aru and I for the last fortnight. 

I’ve watched my thoughts go from being tolerant, to so-very-over-it-I-could-smack-you-right-now. 
Thankfully, we are just about out of the woods, fingers crossed. 
The universe has been so kind, given me the extra patience, a handful of gaps, extra naps as Aru takes extra sleeps and most invaluable, a healthy body to be able to handle it all. 
But I’m not kidding. There was a moment there when I imagined myself slapping the poor whining bubba. In his cute red merino pyjamas and all. It’s hard even to believe that someone so little and mostly so adorable can incite such a harsh, cruel emotion. 
I don’t know how mums do it everyday, I’ve noticed when I get enough time away from Aru, I don’t have these thoughts. 
So my point is… 
Time away from him, 

Is keeping me happy, 

And him alive and safe from my potentially explosive temper 🙂 
X

K

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Won’t stop.

You know what.
You’re right.

Counselling isn’t for everyone.
It’s only for those who really, truly want to make their lives better.
Not quite sure about the rest.

x

K

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Them Double D’s.

When my boobs came, I felt awkward and confused.
They were larger than life and yes, whilst I previously couldn’t wait for them to arrive, the full-on-ness of them was pretty overwhelming.

Then I heard a hip-hop song about “them racks, the girl got double d’s”.
And for once, I thought my boobs were just right.
I became proud even.

Lately however, since feeding Aru and just filling out in general, I haven’t felt the same way. A size F doesn’t seem to validate the way a size DD does.

And I just realised.

1.      I was validating my boobs by a hip-hop artist, who sings about sex, guns and thugs.
2.      It was in such a deep level of my subconscious, that I didn’t even know why I didn’t like my motherhood boobs.

So in short.

Listen
to what you listen to.
Or you’ll spend a motherhood hating what ought to be loved and valued.

X

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What a mother needs people to understand. 

Is it an expectation that a mother’s life goes on hold till her children are grown? 

Is it an expectation that a mother cannot be without her child, especially when in pursuit of frivolous joys? 

Is it an expectation that a mother can’t get a job because she may call in sick for her child? 

// 

I think. 

A woman’s life on hold is a risk to us all. 

It sets a foundation for depression, lack of identity, low self esteem and a huge loss to society. 

I think. 

A woman’s joys are as necessary as we deem needs such as water and air. 

An unfulfilled woman does so much damage, she’s capable of tearing apart her home and her loves.

// 
So. 

Lay off. 

And don’t for a second tell me my child’s happiness is worth more than mine. 

Because it’s not. 

In fact. 

My happiness becomes him. 

My happiness radiates within him. 

It takes a village to raise a child and if you’re not ready to be a part of the village, don’t come burning the village I’ve set up. 

K

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Linda

We’ve been in Cuba and the men are renown for flirting and passing remarks.
I hadn’t noticed anything substantial, but once I was walking past and a man said, “.. Linda…”.
I was curious.
So I googled it.

Beautiful.

And.
It felt nice.
Brought a smile.
To my face.

And I thought.

We shouldn’t stop complimenting women for their looks.
We shouldn’t make it only about the books and the talent.

For looks too.
Are a part of all we’ve been gifted with.

Xx

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The hardest thing for you.

It is so hard for you.

To hear words against those you love.

Even if they be truth.

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